More Of My Favorites

It’s bad out there, y’all. There’s lots of bad news wherever you look, and everybody seems to be tense and on edge. There’s only one thing for it. Dad jokes! Here are some more of my favorites.

A dad was outside washing the car with his son. The son says, “Why can’t you just use a sponge?”

The only thing flat earthers fear is sphere itself.

I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.

Why do Marvel like to use The Hulk in advertisements? He’s basically one big Banner.

I’d tell you a pizza joke, but it’s too cheesy.

I just found out I am color blind. The news came right out of the purple!

This morning Siri told me not to call her Shirley. Turns out I left my phone in Airplane mode.

Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines!

How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.

Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.

And finally…

Never blame anyone else for the road you are on. That’s your own asphalt!

You know you’ll tell at least one of these so bad they’re good jokes. Pass ’em along and give somebody a laugh, we all need it these days.

See you next MonDAVE for more stuff.

Settling The Great Debate

All right America, it’s time to pick a side. This debate has raged on long enough. I’m drawing a line in the sand. I’ve got my two cents and I’m ready to throw down! I’m about to bring the fire, and set y’all straight once and for all. Here we go. You ready? Dig this:

Conifers are better than deciduous trees.

Yeah, I said it. Now I’m gonna prove it.

First of all, I had to look up how to spell “deciduous” just then, so that’s a point to conifers right off the bat. Easier to spell, easier to love.

Second, conifers have more varieties than most folks believe. In fact, there are over five hundred varieties! Many people think of conifers as just the evergreen Pine or Fir trees we are so familiar with, but the conifer family includes such diverse trees as Spruce, Hemlocks, the Larch, Redwoods, and the Giant Sequoya. Ever driven or walked through the Sequoias in California? You’ve been through a conifer, my friend, and probably snapped a pic to remember the experience.*

Also, the tallest tree in the world is the Hyperion, which is a Coastal Redwood otherwise known as, you guessed it, a conifer! and bigger is better, so there!

Another thing to love about conifer trees is that they are so good for the home. Conifers planted close to the home can help with insulation of the house, and help to protect from nasty weather.

Now, in fairness, it should be pointed out that conifers do not change color in the fall. So we do have to begrudgingly give that one to the deciduous trees as it is quite pretty. However, conifers’ leaves don’t change because they DON’T HAVE LEAVES in the first place. Which I think is quite considerate.

Let’s talk leaves for a moment. Most deciduous trees lose all of their leaves in Autumn/early winter. All of them. Most conifers (or Evergreens in this case) lose only a fraction of their needles each year-and some don’t lose them yearly at all. There are exceptions to this rule on both sides, but for the most part we can give the edge here to the conifer. Okay, so you may have to duck a pine cone or two, but that’s just good old Mother Nature seeding out her favorite tree. Plus, you can make crafts with them to decorate for the Holidays.

And since we’re on the topic of holidays…which type of tree is it that is used to celebrate Christmas again? Oh yeah…Evergreens. CONIFERS!!! If it’s good enough to celebrate the birth of Christ, it’s good enough for me. Just maybe don’t look too hard into the theology of that one. Aaannnywayyyy….

I believe we now have more than enough evidence to illustrate the superiority of the conifer trees. So I will leave you with the words of a little band called They Might Be Giants and a quote from their anthem “C Is For Conifers” (aka the greatest song ever):

“Most with cones for seeds,
Most with needles for leaves,
C is for Conifers
My kind of trees“

Whew, glad that’s settled! Come back soon for more truth bombs and intelligent discourse on hot button topics right here in MonDAVEs!!!

*This is an admittedly silly post, but the Giant Redwood Sequoias of California really are endangered by wildfire as we speak. Consider donating to the National Parks Service to not only help save the Sequoias but also to help maintain all of our wonderful National Parks. https://www.nps.gov/index.htm

Phone Troubles

Hi. My name is Dave and I am addicted to my smart phone.

We all are though, I think, to one degree or another. Most people either don’t notice or don’t really care because it’s a willful addiction.

True, we all need to stay connected, and there are many apps and features that do make communication faster and easier, and can certainly add to the quality of our lives. The fact that we carry computers in our pockets is a small miracle that we seem to take for granted in today’s world. Everything from entertainment to shopping to business meetings, or just a quick check in at home, and more, can be accomplished within seconds anywhere we are. That is undeniably cool. It is also incredibly useful and there is nothing wrong with any of that in and of itself.

If it is all kept in balance.

That’s the tricky part. When does the smart phone stop being a tool or a pleasant diversion and start becoming more? When is more too much? That is not an easy question to answer if we’re honest, and each one of us will have a different response. You may be perfectly comfortable with your phone usage. Perhaps you are a tech person and this stuff is fascinating for you academically. Perhaps you have the ability to look at your phone only two or three times a day in ten minute increments and set it down easily to do other things. Maybe it’s just a part of your life that you have integrated and don’t even think twice about. I don’t claim to know your situation or have any answers or advice to give to anyone else at all.

But as for me? I have crossed the line and hit the wall.

I feel absolutely tethered to my phone. Once I pick it up it’s all I can do to set the thing down. I’m playing with my phone as I watch television. I check it at the movies. During meals. On dates with my wife. It’s the first thing I do when I wake up and the last thing before I go to bed. I can’t even read more than two or three pages in a book without stopping to play with my phone. I feel like I am constantly scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. I even get online on my phone while I am online at the computer. It’s too much for me-I have to stop.

So how did I reach this conclusion? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just because I am old enough to remember what life was like before phones and I am growing nostalgic. Maybe it’s because I was never a tech guy and now I can’t be without it, and that concerns me. Maybe I feel like I’m missing out on other more productive things I could be doing instead of just doom scrolling all the time.

One thing’s for sure though. It has been proven that phone usage can release dopamine (sometimes referred to as the pleasure chemical) in our brains. Dopamine makes you feel good. Really good. Once this happens enough the brain recognizes a pattern and begins to equate the two things. Then, the brain begins to chase that feeling as much as possible and pretty soon you’ve got a habit, man. That’s how addiction works. That’s what’s happening to me, I am constantly chasing the “phone high” and I need to quit.

So it’s time for a detox. A digital detox. I’m not throwing my phone into the river or anything like that, but I am going to be changing things up in here. Today I removed or deactivated all the social media accounts from my phone, along with as many ways as possible for me to surf the net (though I can’t disable it completely-not an option on my phone). I also got rid of any apps that give me multiple notifications a day that I don’t deem as essential, I already feel lighter in spirit. This is step one.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I still have my social media accounts. I will still check them and make updates but I’m going to be doing it by the computer, or possibly a tablet, at controlled hours of the day. Same thing goes with surfing the net. It will be more intentional, something I have to carve out time for instead of being at it any chance I get. So I’m sorry if I miss your cool post or don’t update like you’re used to seeing me do, but I’m getting my balance back, and that’s very important to me right now.

And again, I am not about to get rid of my phone. Certainly I need to stay in touch with family, work, and friends. I keep my calendar on my phone, my alarm clock, maps, an underused Bible app (sorry Jesus), a few notes I need to remember and more than one fast food ordering app. All necessary stuff. I just need the phone to go back to being a tool and not an obsession.

So I’m going to try this system for the next few weeks and make sure I can live with this arrangement and stick to it. Then, hopefully, it’s on to step two. I am going to need a new phone sooner than later. The screen has a pretty decent crack in it, and I am having problems getting the phone to take a charge. Not stay charged, but actually take a charge. That could be a battery issue, I suppose, but a new phone may be in order down the road.

I have been investigating different phone types. There are a few “minimalist” phones out there that do just the basics. You can find them online, like the Light phone, Mudita Pure, Wisephone, etc. None of these phones have the internet on them. They all have talk and text. Most have an alarm function, but then it gets all hazy. Some play music, some don’t. Some have calendars, some don’t. One has a flashlight but no maps, only one of the three has a camera (which holds about 6 photos). Most have group texting but not MMS. These are high quality, intentionally made phones with low carbon rates and low radiation and are fairly well thought out from a presentation point of view, they are just falling a little short when it comes to the packaging. Although they are better across the board than the Jitterbug/Lively phones made for Seniors.

It turns out though, that there are plenty of non internet phones out there that have pretty much everything else you could need, it’s just that many of them are kind of chintzy and still do a little more than I would like. But…IF I can keep up this way of living, and IF I decide a new phone is the way to go then I may temporarily buy one of these cheapos until the “minimalist” phone start up companies get it all straightened out.

To be clear, I am no minimalist-I still want all the things. However, this may be the way to go for me from here on out.

Then again, maybe I’ll be shaking my head a month from now wondering where in the world I got the cockamamie idea that I was addicted to the phone. Anything can happen I suppose.

Still, I’m pretty sure I’m right on this one. I don’t expect to start a movement here or for anyone else to come along with me, but I do think we should all take a look at how far our phones have gotten into our lives. We are constantly told by the major carriers and phone companies that we need the newest, fastest, biggest, and greatest phones we can get hold of.

Do we?

If Wishes Were Fishes…

We’d all swim in riches. Or something like that.

We’ve all heard a version of this saying at one point or another. Usually this saying is used in a negative context in which someone is told to quit wishing their life away. But I think it’s okay to wish. Wishing is a way to deal with the difficulties of life. Sometimes wishes are within our grasp, and can be made a reality with a little effort. Sometimes wishes are pure fantasy. Sometimes they are hopeful. Sometimes they are filled with, and fueled by, regret.

Wishes are normal and healthy. Granted, we have to live in the real world and deal with it as it is. However, our wishes can help guide us along our paths and be quite beneficial when kept in perspective and used in a positive way.

In our younger years we wish for things like riches, fame, looks, and the like. I find though that as one ages, our wishes change a little bit. While they may still stay rather self centered, they aren’t quite as self-ish. Most wishes do revolve around our own self image, they begin to expand to include the world at large. Not only do we wish to make sense of the wider world, but also our place in it.

Let’s face it guys, life is a lot. It’s too much, really. How do you get through it without going completely insane? I can’t answer that for everyone, but for me I have to laugh at it, yell at it, write about it, and hold on to some of my wishes (I don’t call them dreams anymore, that’s way too optimistic for the world we currently live in). I also overshare with friends and strangers.

That’s what this particular post is all about. I am going to share many of my wishes with you, both the ones that give me hope and the ones that hurt my heart. Hopefully, this catharsis on the web will not only make me feel a little better about life, the universe, and everything but also it just may help somebody else who’s reading this to not feel alone. By the way, I had a few one liners stuck in among this list but I took them out as it just didn’t feel right. Let’s get real, y’all.

-I wish my dreams weren’t so big as a youth. Perhaps I could have achieved more of them.

-I wish I was better at this whole Christianity thing.

-I wish I saw my cousins more. I wish I saw my best friend more too.

-I wish it were easier to make friends as an adult. Real friends I mean, not just surface level.

-I wish I still had the self confidence I had in my 20’s and early 30’s.

-I wish I didn’t know so much about a lot of people. This is the downside of social media (says the guy blogging his inner dialogue).

-I wish more people were open to the possibility of God. I also wish conservative Christians weren’t so good at turning people away.

-I wish the two major political parties in our country weren’t so far apart on everything.

-I wish good grammar and manners were still a thing.

-I wish I weren’t so judgmental.

-I wish we’d seriously think about what kind of world we are leaving for the next generation. Environmentally, politically, spiritually, and culturally.

-I wish parents would listen more to today’s youth and not just dismiss them.

-I wish everyone had food to eat and a place to sleep.

-I wish everybody knew somebody loved them.

-I wish more people cared more about their fellow humans than their own pocket.

-I wish the best tasting food didn’t make us fat.

-I wish I had finished college. I also wish I was still young enough for it to matter if I did it now.

-I wish physical media wasn’t dying.

-I wish animal shelters weren’t so full.

-I wish big, scary, diseases weren’t a thing.

-I wish everyone would just do their part to bring this damned pandemic to an end.

-I wish I didn’t overthink things to the point of inaction.

-I wish I was better with math and money.

-I wish I didn’t have so many wishes.

Update

Hello everyone.

When we last met, I was in the middle of a bout with COVID19. I am happy to report that I am now feeling better and am out of quarantine. After sleeping through most of last Tuesday and Wednesday, I started to feel a little better on Thursday morning and went from strength to strength. Now all that remains is a little bit of a cough, shortness of breath and some tiredness. I’m still taking it easy for the next week or so as I’m sure you can understand. No need to overdo it. For those of you who expressed concern or sent some positive vibes my way it is much appreciated. Thank you.

As you would expect, I watched a lot of television while sick. Some of it was good, a lot of it wasn’t, but I mostly wanted familiar shows, or programs that required little thought. When I was feeling better (though still quarantined) I upped the game a little bit. The following is a small, incomplete list of what I remember watching and a few thoughts about each. This may or may not be in chronological order (there was a bit of brain fog going on after all).

T.V.:

LEAVE IT TO BEAVER- 1 episode

Beaver fell in the giant bowl of soup. Classic episode, but painful to watch. I find a lot of early television drives me crazy to watch these days. It’s not that these shows are bad or unfunny, but more often than not the main characters are complete idiots. Young Theodore Cleaver is a prime example here. Sure, he’s a kid and that’s some excuse, but the boy really was old enough to know better. On a related note, I can’t watch “I Love Lucy” anymore for similar reasons.

AMERICAS FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS- way too many episodes

I watched a few game shows, and this is what Hulu decided I’d like to watch next. Apparently Hulu thought I’d watch a whole season. Sadly, Hulu was not wrong. I came to the following conclusions while watching: 1. either I don’t video enough things or everyone else shoots too much, 2. most cute kids doing/saying cute things really aren’t that cute, and 3. people falling and/or getting hit in the crotch is simultaneously not funny and funny enough that it never gets old.

JAMES MAY-OH COOK!- 6 episodes (one season)

I like James May quite a bit. He’s the only one of the British Top Gear/Grand Tour hosts who doesn’t need the other two to balance out his more annoying traits. Although he did have a woman in a cupboard who helped him out from time to time, so maybe he’s not as good as I thought. anyway, this did what any good cooking (or “cookery” as they say in England) show should do. It made me think that I could probably make a fair portion of what they were cooking on the show. Trouble is, being British food, I don’t really want to.

MONTY PYTHON’s FLYING CIRCUS- 13 episodes (season one)

Okay, I LOVE Monty Python. I have seen these episodes so many times that I can quote not only whole sketches, but in some cases entire episodes from memory, front to back. This was pure comfort food in video form. Season one is not actually my favorite season, as I don’t think they’d hit their stride yet. I find it to be a bit repetitive, uneven, and unsure of itself. However, there is a lot of first class material here, and any drawbacks are more than made up for by enthusiasm and the fact that the guys are clearly enjoying themselves, and are excited by creating something new. There are surprisingly few items in this series that don’t translate well to today’s sensibilities, though there are a few. (There are plenty more in subsequent seasons.) A lot of comedies don’t age particularly well, so it was refreshing to see how well this does hold up. Of course, I may be a bit biased.

Side note: almost all the world history I know has come from Monty Python, Iron Maiden, and Mel Brooks. In that order. My understanding of the Spanish Inquisition is so messed up…

1980s COMMERCIAL COMPILATIONS ON YOU TUBE

I watch these more than I would like to admit. Something about the nostalgia makes me feel better, especially when the world at large is absolutely bananas. So, like, all the time. Maybe it’s just me, or the fact that I stream most of my television these days, but it seems like there was more variety of products being advertised back then. There were certainly more jingles. Also, what was up with all the ads for chewing gum? They really wanted us to buy gum in the 80’s, man. And we did so I guess it worked.

I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t have gone into advertising, it seems like a fun job. Well, back then it did. It feels like every other commercial I see these days is for a different medication with side effects that are worse than the thing you are supposed to take the meds for in the first place. Yeesh. No thanks. Bring back the gum ads, please. Thanks.

MOVIES:

SHINE A LIGHT

This is Martin Scorsese filming the Rolling Stones as they do a benefit concert in New York, mixed with backstage stuff and archival footage. I watched this one in honor of drummer extraordinaire Charlie Watts after his passing last week. I fell asleep. Sorry, Charlie.

3:10 To Yuma (original version)

Classic movie. Psychological Western. The performances are great and the story is good, although the ending is a little bit odd for me. Still, I highly recommend this film.

ZAPPA

If you are a fan of Frank Zappa I recommend this documentary. If you are curious about the man and his artistic side, I recommend this documentary. If you are easily offended, this is probably not for you. Nor is the majority of Zappa’s music. You have been warned.

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN (original version)

I have been on a Western kick as of late and realized I have never seen this. It’s good, but left me wanting more. I needed a little more background on each of “the seven” and I could have used a slightly quicker pace in the middle of the film. However, there are some great scenes. I particularly enjoyed Charles Bronson’s character just straight up spanking someone else’s kid. Also Eli Wallach is great as per usual.

This movie made me realize who I would be in a Western. You know how in every movie there’s a shoot out, and usually our heroes are outnumbered? There’s always that scene, shot from the p.o.v. of the hero, where two bad guys come running up, guns a blazin’ and he shoots them both. Then, about two seconds later, a third guy runs around the same corner and the hero gets him too. Well, that’s me. I’m that third guy. The guy who has just enough time to see his compatriots on the ground and think, “What the-“.

Okay, there were probably a lot more but that’s all I can remember now, or at least all that’s worth mentioning. See you next week with what I hope is a real topic.