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Christmas Is Coming

Well, it’s that time of year again. Anyone who knows me well is well aware that I am a “Christmas guy” and I am proud of it. I try not to be annoying with it, but I really do love the Christmas season. The lights, the sounds, the songs, the food, all of it brings me good feelings. Most years, I break out the Christmas songs a week or two before Thanksgiving, listening on the sly and grinning ear to ear. I love Christmas so much that whenever I am feeling down, virtually any time of year, I cheer myself up by watching Christmas commercials on YouTube. Not a joke. Although I feel like that’s a good place for one, so feel free to insert your own.

Things are starting to ramp up around the old homestead, and the signs of the season are starting to fall into place. We decorated the house inside and out. The Christmas music has begun, although I did somehow manage to wait until after Thanksgiving this year to begin in earnest. The kids are finishing up their wish-lists, plans for celebrations are being made, and everything is ready to roll for another festive season. All that’s left to do is turn on the tube, bask in its glow, and watch a little Christmas magic.

I have written a few posts in my time about Christmas movies, and we all certainly have our favorites. I thought about doing the same this year, especially since I enjoyed doing the Halloween movie posts so much, but I have decided to take a different, though related approach.

For the next few weeks, we’ll be talking about the wonderful world of Christmas TV specials. From the tried and true classics to some lesser known treasures to the truly oddball offerings, I will bring you gifts of glad tidings and good news that can only come from a mix of Santa’s workshop, a lowly manger, and Madison Avenue. Join me for the festive fun, starting next week here on MonDAVEs!

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MonDAVES Saves Thanksgiving-2022

Thanksgiving is coming in just a few days. Along with all the food, parades, football, and what not, you’re almost sure to spend time with family, some of whom may not be on the same page as you are politically, socially, or otherwise. Being a fine, upstanding citizen (as all MonDAVEs readers most certainly are) you want to keep the peace and not get into any scuffles around the table this year. But what on Earth are you going to be able to talk about that won’t get Uncle Gary started on one of his uber-cringey tirades?

Well, have no fear, MonDAVEs is here to save your Thanksgiving by equipping you with what you truly need to keep the conversation safe, change the subject if need be, or just plain old be the life of the party. That’s right, it’s THANKSGIVING DAD JOKES!!!

Here we go.

What did the turkey say to the hunter the day before Thanksgiving?
“Quack! Quack!”

What is a turkey thankful for on Thanksgiving?
Vegetarians.

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock.

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Norma Lee.”
“Norma Lee who?”
“Norma Lee I don’t eat so much, but it’s Thanksgiving!”

Why does Meghan Trainor make such good Thanksgiving Turkey?
‘Cause she’s all about that baste.

Why did the cranberries blush?
Because they saw the turkey dressing.

What does a one legged Turkey say?
“Wobble wobble.”

What did Han Solo say to Luke Skywalker on Thanksgiving?
“May the forks be with you.”

What was John Wayne’s favorite holiday?
Thanksgiving, pilgrim.

“Knock. Knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Tamara.”
“Tamara who?”
“Tamara we’re eating all the leftovers.”

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
“If your father could see you now, he’d roll over in his gravy!”

People say I tell too many Thanksgiving jokes, but it’s hard to quit cold turkey.

Why do pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
Because they wear their buckles on their hats.

If a big turkey is called a gobbler, what is a little one called?
A goblet.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
He wanted people to think he was a chicken.

What do you call a sad cranberry?
A blue berry.

Did you hear about the turkey who wanted to be a prize fighter?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

Why is corn so popular on Thanksgiving?
Because it’s a-maize-ing!

What should you expect at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter “g”.

And finally…

Why did the farmer separate the chicken and the turkey?
He suspected fowl play.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! See you next week.

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An Acrostic for November That Those Of You Who Are Into Cross Stitch/Needle Point Will Want To Make A Sampler Of, I’ll Bet.

Now it starts getting dark early.

Oh yeah, and Thanksgiving will be here before you know it.

Very soon the temperatures will fall.

Embers from the bonfire will dance through the sky (or something poetic like that).

Movember is stupid. Stop it. Y’all look like poster boys for “Stranger Danger” and I don’t want my kids anywhere near you.

Boy, this is harder than I thought it would be.

Everyone is really more focused on Christmas anyway.

Really thought this was going to be a lot better. Sorry guys.

Come back next week when I promise to actually have something decent to write about. Please?

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Do You Want To Hear About Sunday Morning?

Okay, so we’re sitting in church on Sunday, like you do, and the sermon is well underway. This is a church that is new to us, but more on that in another post. Anyway, my son Pat suddenly begins making a noise. It’s sort of a gasping, repeated, quick-inhaling kind of a noise. Now, he’s a bit of a sensitive boy, and the sermon was about cultivating relationships with other people through their, and possibly our own, loneliness. This is a topic that could very easily hit home with the boy due to his own social awkwardness. Dad mode activates, and I check on his well being, believing that he might be starting to cry.

“You okay son?”

“Yeah, I just thought of something funny.”

“Well get it together, dude.”

Dude did not get it together.

He continued his silent, barely-keeping-it-together laughing fit, for a little bit too long. Long enough that his older sister, sitting next to him also became concerned, and also assumed him to be crying. She made a sympathetic sad face and held his hand. Which made him laugh even harder, and threatened to make me laugh as well.

At this point, it’s getting uncomfortable for yours truly. People in other pews are starting to notice. Now I have to take action. It is a well known fact to pretty much all mankind that once a laughing fit starts, it is nearly impossible to stop, especially when one is in a situation where one is not supposed to be laughing. Like a school lecture, or, say, a church you’ve just started attending, are still feeling out, and you are trying to make a good impression.

The only thing left to do was ride it out, so I put my arm around the boy, looking every bit like the consoling Dad, pulled him in close and let him laugh it out into my chest. Anyone observing would have thought I was whispering something loving into his ear, like “It’s okay, buddy. We can talk about this later if you want. Let it out.” But I was really all like, “Come on man, focus, this is ridiculous. You’re missing good stuff here, pay attention.”

With the fit over, we made it through to the end of the service with no other issues. Until, on the way out of the worship center, Pat asked big sister Tessa why she took his hand. She said something about how she was concerned about him since he was crying so much. She’s got a good heart, she does. Then he told her that he wasn’t crying, but laughing.

“WHAT? I was so worried. I held your hand, man! I thought you were GOING THROUGH IT!” She was appalled. Which started the laughing all over again.

And that is how my family makes an impression on a new church.

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A Few Things From This Past Weekend.

Thing 1:

Saturday afternoon as I was surfing through radio stations while driving in my car, the song “Cinnamon Girl” by Neil Young came on. I don’t really know the words, but I started kind of half heartedly singing along anyway since I’ve always enjoyed the tune. The word that came out of my mouth however was not “cinnamon”, but “synonym.” This struck me as uproariously funny at the time.

I must have been tired.

Anyway, I’ve been walking around the house singing that for days now. It’s beginning to drive my family batty. “I wanna live with a Synonym Girl/I could be happy the rest of my life with a Synonym Girl.” The chorus writes itself, as it’s just replacing the one word. But I also wrote a verse or two:

“She’s got multiple words/for ev-er-ything/but I always know/just what she means/She’s a Synonym Girl
She doesn’t get sad/she feels heartbroken/She’s not obnoxious/She’s just outspoken/my Synonym Girl”

Well, maybe it doesn’t read funny, but if you sing the tune it’s better. Sort of.

I tried to write a few more grammar based classic rock parodies, but all I could come up with was “Verbin’ U.S.A. and “(I Can’t Use No) Interjections” which honestly I didn’t get very far with. So I guess Weird Al Yankovic’s job is still safe. For now.

Thing 2:

We are doing a project in our basement that requires drywall. Sunday was load in day, and somehow or other I was actually here for it and got to help. YAY! Twenty-two pieces of drywall, two to a pack, measuring eight foot long by four foot wide, and weighing 68 pounds per pack is what we hauled off the van, into the garage, down the basement stairs and into the storage room. As you can imagine, there were a few corners to work out as well. Even with three, sometimes four of us doing the labor it was a pretty big job. Somewhere in all the lifting and bending and odd angles and whatnot I tweaked my back. It didn’t hurt too badly yesterday, but it got worse today when we decided to do…

-Thing 3:

Family Fun Monday at the bowling alley!

Now, in hindsight, the idea of bowling the day after tweaking out my back is not the best one. I have had multiple Advils and dug the heating pad out of storage to make this evening a little more tolerable.

Still, we did have a nice day. We bookended the bowling alley with lunch at the hometown pizza buffet at Pantera’s Pizza ( a St. Louis County tradition) and dessert at Menchie’s Frozen Yogurt. Funnily enough, according to Facebook, today was “National Frozen Custard Day”. Look at us being all rebellious!

We don’t really go bowling all that much, although any time we do we always talk about how we should go more often since it’s an inexpensive family activity and we all enjoy it to one degree or another. For the record I bowled a 180 my first game, which isn’t too bad since I haven’t been bowling for at least three years now! Although I only got a 60 on game number two, so whatever lost mojo I had revived for game number one got lost again pretty quick. Something tells me I won’t be joining anybody’s bowling team any time soon.

Bonus Things:

-My In-Laws took the family out to Longhorn Steakhouse for dinner on Saturday as a belated birthday celebration for yours truly. It was a good dinner and a nice gesture. They also got a new cat but that’s unrelated.

-I still have a music project forming in the back of my head. I’m not sure how it’s going to materialize yet, but the wheels are turning. I just wanted you all to know I haven’t given up on it since I mentioned it earlier this year, but it’s going to take some time. Patience will be rewarded. Also I promise not to record “Synonym Girl.”

Okay, that’s all I’ve got this week. Until next time, be cool to each other. Don’t be sexist. Don’t be racist. Follow the ol’ Golden Rule as best you can, and I’ll see you all soon.