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An Acrostic for November That Those Of You Who Are Into Cross Stitch/Needle Point Will Want To Make A Sampler Of, I’ll Bet.

Now it starts getting dark early.

Oh yeah, and Thanksgiving will be here before you know it.

Very soon the temperatures will fall.

Embers from the bonfire will dance through the sky (or something poetic like that).

Movember is stupid. Stop it. Y’all look like poster boys for “Stranger Danger” and I don’t want my kids anywhere near you.

Boy, this is harder than I thought it would be.

Everyone is really more focused on Christmas anyway.

Really thought this was going to be a lot better. Sorry guys.

Come back next week when I promise to actually have something decent to write about. Please?

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A Traditional St. Louis Halloween

There is a Halloween tradition in the St. Louis area that requires trick or treaters to be prepared with a joke. I stress the St. Louis part because when mentioned to friends who aren’t from around here, they claim to have never heard of such a thing. Usually they say something like, “What? Really? Huh. Never heard of that. Why?” Well, I don’t actually know why, and I don’t think anyone else does either. It’s just a thing we do.

Here is a recreation of the usual scenario (with a little artistic license):

Kids: Trick Or Treat!

Homeowner: Hi kids, happy Halloween! What are you supposed to be?

Kid 1: I’m the latest Disney princess, like every other little girl you’ve seen tonight!

Kid 2: I’m some stupid cartoon character you’ve never heard of!

Kid 3: I’m dressed as a villain from a horror movie that I am way too young to have actually seen!

Kid 4: I dunno, a pirate clown alien or something. I’m too old for this, just make with the candy, dude.

Homeowner: Cool I guess. Got any jokes for me? That’s the game-you tell a joke, I pretend it’s funny and you get the sugar stick. Aaaaaannnnd go.

Kid 1: Why was the skeleton scared? ‘Cause he had no guts!

Homeowner: Ha! That’s cute, here you go sweetie.

Kid 2: Why do ghosts pick their nose? To get the boo-gers!

Homeowner: Gross. Here’s some candy for you, too.

Kid 3: How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for Fresh Prints.

Homeowner: Nice. Topical. Did your Dad give you that one? Alright here’s some for you. Next.

Kid 4: A guy walks into a bar and sees a small man playing a tiny piano…

Homeowner: Woah, hey, okay! Here’s yer candy, get outta here with that.

And scene.

That’s basically how it goes. Happy Halloween everyone. See you next week!

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Randomness.

I have been writing a little more than usual here recently and I am out of ideas.

Therefore, my wife suggested I use a random topic generator to come up with a topic for today’s blog. Instead, I am going to have her read me some of the topics suggested on the website she found and I am going to write the first thing that pops into my head. Just a few sentences each. This might be fun. Or not. Either way it’s all I’ve got, so just go with it. Okay? Thanks.

Oh, by the way, my wife has spent twenty-three years as a reading teacher, so she always informs me of any egregious spelling or grammatical errors she finds. She has warned me that this will come into play.

  1. If you had to choose would you rather be rich or famous?
    -Why do I have to choose?
  2. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
    -In what setting? Like a restaurant? The egg I would imagine.
  3. What job did Michael Caine, Uma Thurman, and Sidney Poitier all do at one time in their lives? Dishwashers.
    -Oh. I was a janitor. Nobody told me that dishwasher was the way to go. I wasted so much time. I could have been somebody. Damn.
  4. Does a lightning rod on the top of a church show lack of faith?
    -Um, no. It shows proper planning. What a dumb question.
  5. Name three things you couldn’t live without? Why?
    -Presumably because that’s the question you want me to answer? The punctuation here is insane. I’m going to go with water, food, and a basic understanding of the English language.
  6. Why do banks charge you an insufficient funds fee on money they know you don’t have?
    -Because they’re jerks. Next.
  7. Who is your favourite villain/baddie?
    -Ah, there’s an international spelling of the word “favorite” here, usually indicating the author to be from Britain or the U.K., which makes the punctuation thing above even more maddening. Anyway, my answer to the question posed is “all of them,” because no matter how much you may want the hero of any piece to succeed, the villain is pretty much always the most interesting character.
  8. Which is the favorite sound you like to hear?
    -Back to American spelling. Huh. So we fixed the spelling but now the grammar is atrocious. Honestly the first thing I thought of was that Simon and Garfunkel song “The Sound Of Silence” which I’ve always found kind of odd since it mentions silence “echoing,” but how can silence echo if you can’t hear it? You know what, skip it.
  9. What’s your favourite fastfood chain?
    -Okay, now the “u” is back. Also, fast food is two words. Who is in charge here?
  10. What is a controversial opinion do you have?
    -It is my opinion that people should proofread before publishing. Crazy, I know.
  11. Do You Have A Nickname? What Is It?
    -And now we’ve gone crazy with capitalization. Okay, fine. This is the last one. I can’t do this anymore. Nicknames, huh? I have had several from “Sheepdog” to “100 Watt,” “Little David” (that one is from when I was a kid, which was interchangeable with “Dabidito,”) “Brink,” one guy at work calls me “Daveington” or “David Brinkingham,” and the kids sometimes call me “Daddo.” Not Daddy-o, “Daddo.” Most of these have made at least some sort of sense at the time.

Alright, that’s enough. My brain hurts. Come back next week and let’s see what happens then, I guess.

Another One Of My Big Ideas

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Have you ever wanted to use big, impressive sounding words, but were afraid to do so because you weren’t quite sure you knew their meaning? Well, worry no more friends because I have just the item for you. Coming soon-ish to any bookstore that will carry the darn thing, it’s Dave’s Incredible Inaccurate Dictionary*!

This pocket sized book will give you loads of new words to slip in to presentations, work e-mails, or even casual conversation. Dave’s Incredible Inaccurate Dictionary* is different and, frankly, superior to other dictionaries in that it doesn’t tell you what these words actually mean, but what they ought to mean. Okay, so you still won’t know what these words mean, but then, let’s be honest, most of the people you use them with won’t know what they mean either, so you’ll still come out looking like a smarty-pants in front of your peers and isn’t that all you really want?

The following are some excerpts from this sure to be world changing book.

Abundance: An abandoned musical about baking bread choreographed by Michael Flatley.

Antithesis: A Greek tragedy with several humorous scenes.

Brouhaha: A person, usually male, who has had one too many beers and thinks he’s funny.

Conundrum: The thing that wraps itself around an enigma.

Dubious: That feeling you get when you know that you and your group are the ones currently being spoken about.

Enigma: A thing usually found wrapped in a conundrum.

Gallivant: A medieval knight used in literature of the period to teach children how to behave properly. Usually appeared with a serf named Goofus.

Kumquat: I don’t know, I think it’s some kind of a bird, maybe?

Lollygag: The act of making someone else stop talking by shoving suckers in their mouth.

Metaphor: An inside joke.

Nincompoop: Very expensive laxatives.

Nosegay: Flowers. What, you thought I was going there? Come on man, give me a little credit.

Oxymoron: A dumb guy who’s clothes are really, really clean.

Reiterate: To make something cold, over and over again.

Vernacular: A type of hat popular in the 1930’s.

There now. Don’t you feel smarter already? All these words and many more will be at your disposal when you purchase Dave’s Incredible Inaccurate Dictionary*, coming soon from Brinkcorp Industries**!

*Not a thing.

**Also not a thing.

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World Poetry Day (A Tribute)

March 21st is World Poetry Day. Or it was, depending on when you read this. The following is my tribute.

SECTION ONE: TWO LIGHT POEMS

This first poem is one I learned as a child.

“Little Birdie”

Little birdie in the sky,
Why’d you do that in my eye?
Little birdie in the sky,
Gee, I’m glad that cows don’t fly.

-My Dad taught me that years ago. It was probably an old schoolyard or summer camp poem. I’m sure he didn’t write it. He taught it to me though, and I remembered it. Explains a lot, methinks.

This next poem I wrote one day while talking about poetry with my kids, it is simply titled:

“Poems”

Poems are wonderful,
Poems are good,
Not all poems rhyme,
But I really think they ought to.

SECTION TWO: RE-WRITING THE CLASSICS

In this section, I will try give my interpretations of well known poems by rewriting them, based not on their structure, or famous lines, or even my opinions of the poems or their authors. I will endeavor to create all new works based on the existing titles. Here we go.

“Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening”

Wow, it’s cold. And there’s lots of snow.
Why do I stay here? I don’t know.
Why stay and watch the snowy sky
When home is waiting, warm and dry?
Of one thing there can be no doubt,
This is stupid. I’m getting out!

“Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer’s Day?

Nah.

“The Road Not Taken”

The road not taken
Is usually avoided
By people who know
How horror movies start.

“I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud”

I wandered lonely as a cloud,
Me, without a care in the world.
Then people started filling me
with ideas, and numbers and
opinions and orders and their own
expectations and rules and and
they just kept filling and filling
until I had no room for more
but they just kept loading me up
and I just took it and took it
’til I finally exploded!
I just spewed it all back out man,
all the information and the
numbers and the secrets I just
puked it back out into the sky
where anyone can look at it
if they speak in ones and zeroes.

“From Mother To Son”

Dear Son,
I am at Aunt Patty’s.
Dinner is in the fridge.
Be back late.
Feed the dog, and
clean up your room, willya?
Mom

“O Captain! My Captain!”

O Captain! My Captain!
The wars have begun!
We’re under attack
By crazed Romulans!
Supplies are low,
And support is scant,
Spock’s trying to help
But he sure as Vul-can’t
Stop the fighting like you could
So come to the bridge now
Please Cap, if you would.

O Captain! My Captain!
Out on the holodeck,
There’s a green, nasty alien,
(Looks a little like Shrek)
He’s out of control,
His sanity’s gone
This guy makes me wish
We were dealing with Kaaaaaahhhhhnnnnn!
He says he seeks vengeance-
He’s demanding your life!
Says it’s something to do
With you and his…wife?

O Captain! My Captain!
Five more crew are dead!
Those guys with the shirts
That were colored in red.
I can’t take anymore!
This world’s way too scary,
What with Tribbles and Borgs-
I blame you, Roddenberry!
Now we’re biding our time
‘Til the Klingons come nuke us.
O why o why didn’t I sign on with Lucas?

Okay, that’s the end. Be sure to read the real poems for some actual culture, it will do you some good. Google ’em. Anyway, thanks for reading, and indulging my silliness. See you next week!