Here’s a few long-form jokes that have punny endings.


JOKE #1:

A frog goes into a bank. He hops up to the counter, and notices that the teller’s name is Patricia Wack. Being a polite frog with impeccable manners, he adresses her thusly:

“Hello, Ms. Wack, my name is Kermit Jagger, and I’d like to take out a loan. My father is Mick Jagger, and he’s good friends with the manager so it should be no problem.”

Confused, she says, “Okay, Mr. Jagger, how big of a loan would you like to take out?”

“Well,” says Kermit, “I need fifty thousand dollars.”

Now slightly frustrated, Patricia says “For that kind of a loan, you’d need collateral.”

“No problem. This should do it.” The frog then produces a small, white, porcelain elephant.

Now quite frustrated and even more confused, the teller excuses herself and goes back to the manager’s office.

“I don’t know, man…there’s this FROG outside, claims he’s Mick Jagger’s son, wants a fifty thousand dollar loan, and he gave me this stupid little elephant for collateral. I mean, WHAT IS THAT?!!”

The manager thinks it over for a moment and says, “That’s a knick-knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

JOKE #2:

In the great desert lived a tribe of nomads.

Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his lush, magnificent beard. Their people believed that a man’s strength, courage, and wisdom came from his beard, so the man with the richest, longest, fullest beard was chosen as chief. This is how the tribe chose their leaders for decades.

After leading the tribe for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable in his beard as they roamed this hot, dry, dusty land. He wanted to shave the beard off, but decided to call his royal council for advice.

When he told them of his desire to shave, the councilmen were shocked. His most trusted assistant asked him, “Sire, do you not remember the ancient legend? If the leader of the tribe shaves his beard he will be cursed, and turned into a clay pot!”

Being a modern man, Benny laughed at the old superstition. “Surely, you don’t all believe this ridiculous tale, do you? Now bring me some cream and a razor. I’m going to shave!”

So the headstrong chief went ahead and scraped away at his magnificent beard. As the last stroke was made, a giant dust storm came up, surrounding Benny. It lasted only a few seconds, but when it cleared the councilmen saw only a man sized vessel where their leader once stood. The council then knew that the old legend must be true.

A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

JOKE #3:

Once there was a group of friars who wanted to build a new belfry, but didn’t have enough funds, so they opened up a small flower shop to raise money,

The shop was a success. It seemed as though everyone in town wanted to buy flowers from the men of God, since they not only received beautiful flowers, but also a blessing when they made their purchase.

This was all fine and well, except that the town’s original florist was losing all his customers. He felt this was very unfair, so he went and asked the friars to shut down, but they would not.

A few weeks later, the rival florist went and begged the friars to close up shop because he was going bankrupt, but again they refused.

so, out of desperation, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggert, the roughest, toughest, nastiest thug in the land to go and “persuade” the friars to close. He beat the friars up, and tore their shop apart. He then told them that he’d be back for more if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, proving that:

Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Okay, enough of this nonsense. I’ll be back next week with something else. See you then.


I’ve Got A Question For You

Okay dear readers, I’ll admit it. I’m stuck. I have no ideas for this week’s post . Zero. Zip. Zilch. De nada. Bupkis. The big goose egg. Nothing. No thing.

So I’m going to turn this over to you.

There’s really no one focus of topics here on the ol’ blog, but a few different topics and ideas keep showing up. Judging from my stats, readership goes up and down, but the numbers don’t really connect to certain topics or styles of writing. Therefore, I’m just going to ask a simple question:

What would you like to read about?

Do you want more stories about family?

More ridiculous lists?

More Dad jokes?

More movie posts?

How about music based posts?

Or would you maybe like me to talk about food?

The travel blog posts always seem popular, but I don’t travel as often as I’d like. However, I could write more about the attractions here in the St. Louis area. How’s that grab you?

My only real rule is that I don’t talk politics, and I try not to curse much. Otherwise, the field is pretty open. So tell me what you think. Look, it’s still going to be pretty scattershot around here, but if y’all could give me some feedback it would help me focus in a little bit more, and maybe we’ll all have a little more fun. It would also force me to prepare a little more and that’d be great for all of us.

If you’d be so kind, leave a comment and let me know what you think. I will read them all and take your opinions into consideration for how I schedule future posts. Just be nice about it, okay?

All right, I’m going to leave it there for now. I look forward to hearing from you guys. Take care of yourselves and I’ll see you next week.


About Cornelia

Things usually get pretty silly around here, but permit me a bit of a detour this week.

This coming weekend, my extended family is going to gather at another funeral to say goodbye to one of our own, Aunt Cornelia. There have been a lot of these funerals over the past few years, as my Grandmother’s generation is leaving this world behind. It seems like we’re averaging about two a year here lately. It’s a big family, what can you do?

Aunt Cornelia (who’s first name is actually Wilma, but she mostly went by Cornelia, except when she didn’t, which is not quite as confusing as it sounds but there you go) was one who was always in the kitchen fixing something to eat, or opening up her house to visiting family. She loved her big extended family more than anything, whether you were a cousin, great grandchild, niece, nephew, brother or sister in law, whatever, it didn’t matter to her. Once you’re in you’re in, and she made sure to make you feel welcome.

She loved a good story or joke, and I remember hearing multiple stories of family trips that she, Uncle Bob, and her siblings made. I believe Cornelia was the one who, upon getting ready to leave their campsite once to go to another location, came up with the “Speak now or forever hold your pee” line. As a kid I thought that was hysterical, and it still makes me giggle. If any of my cousins are reading this, don’t correct me if I’m wrong about it, because that line coming from her is a riot.

Cornelia was also the one who was always the most vocal about calling me out when I didn’t see my family as much as I should, especially after my mother passed. She was right of course, but I really didn’t want to hear it. I was young and bull headed, and just kind of took it for granted that my family would always be there. I mean, I knew that wasn’t really true, but during those years I was a little too focused on myself and I didn’t take extended family seriously. I’ve tried to make up for that a little bit over the past ten years or so, though it’s hard with everyone living so far apart. Social media helps, but not enough. I really wish I would have listened at the time.

Don’t think for a minute that I’m complaining here, or trying to make my Aunt the bad guy. Far from it. I was the one who was a bit resentful about hearing her speak those words, and my attitude wasn’t the greatest. What I didn’t realize at the time was that family was so important to her that she wanted it to be important to all of us kids too. She wanted me to have the joy in the family that she had.

Honestly, I think she may have known that I was in need of a deeper connection with the family, and she knew that deep down I loved them all to pieces. I had convinced myself that I, as a city kid, had very little in common with my Southern relatives. Talk about getting the wrong end of the stick. Years later I realized how much we did have in common, how alike we really were, and how much I actually did love each of my Uncles, Aunts, and my cousins. I wasted a lot of time, and for that I am profoundly sorry. Aunt Cornelia was right. She always was.

As stated, most of my memories of her come form my childhood, but also from the family Thanksgiving. It was basically a family reunion in a day. Cornelia was the one who always took charge of the kitchen, no matter where the event was held that particular year. Apart from her own family, she had twelve siblings, many of whom had kids and grandkids of their own and we all converged on Cape Girardeau for the day. She made sure everyone was well fed and well loved, grinning ear to ear the whole time. Our big family Thanksgiving has faded away over the past few years, but the warm memories live on, and it remains one of my favorite holidays because of the efforts Cornelia and others went through to make it so special.

One more thing. When we had Tessa, our first born, Cornelia sent gifts to the house. A few were some baby books, but she also sent a hand made dress for the girl. It was very pretty and Tessa looked adorable in it. This got my wife, already someone who loved to sew, interested in making clothing. Since then she has made multiple dresses for the girls, and helped with costuming for school plays, all thanks to that gift box so lovingly sent to us fourteen years ago. This just proves that you never know what a little kindness can accomplish, and Cornelia had kindness both to spare and to share.

So we will gather this weekend. We will cry, we will laugh, we will eat, and we will hug. We will mourn our loss, but we will cherish the time we have together, even under the circumstances.

I hope everyone reading this has a family they love like I do mine. Even if you’re not always great at showing it (been there), next time you get the chance, let them know. Give ’em a hug, and maybe some home cooking. It will do wonders for them, and for you too.

Until next time, take care of yourselves and those around you. See you next week.


Questions? I Got Answers!

I recently read that a personal blog such as this one should be both informational and confessional in order to be considered successful. So with that in mind, I am going to give you a window into my mind, heart and soul by answering 25 “Would You Rather” questions I found while surfing the net. There are 150 questions in the original list but I’m only doing the first section because this post would be way too long otherwise, and I’m too lazy to do more than that anyway. See? A confession already and we’re not even through with the introduction. This should be fun.

Questions from “Happy Toddler Playtime”

  1. Would you rather be called Boo Boo Butt or Willy Willy Wonky Face?
    -In certain circles, I am already known as “Willy Willy Wonka Face” thank you very much.
  2. Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
    -Invisibility is the only hip answer to this question.
  3. Would you rather live inside a banana or a watermelon?
    -Ooh, good question. I like bananas way better, but a watermelon has a lot more room. So that.
  4. Would you rather be able to hear things no one else could or see things no one else could?
    -What kind of things would I be seeing? Like ghosts? No thanks. I’ll take super hearing.
  5. Would you rather catch a frog or a fly?
    -For what purpose? A frog, I guess. Maybe we’ll be friends. I’d name him Herbie.
  6. Would you rather take a skunk for a walk or a porcupine?
    -This question comes down to environment. I think a porcupine would be more fun for a walk in the park, but if I’m walking in a bad neighborhood I would take the skunk. Nobody’s gonna mess with a guy walking a skunk.
  7. Would you rather work at NASA or the FBI?
    -Ummm…NASA? I guess? Wait, do I actually have to go into space? No? Okay, NASA.
  8. Would you rather dress as your school principal or your math teacher?
    -Well, my principals mostly wore suits, so I choose that. At least I’d look like maybe I was in charge of something.
  9. Would you rather eat 1000 smarties or 1000 lb chocolate bar?
    -Dude. Smarties are my favorite. Especially those weird ones that look like what the color orange would look like if it wasn’t feeling well.
  10. Would you rather teach someone a new joke or a new dance?
    -New joke. Although it has been said that my dancing is a joke already, so fifty-fifty on this one.
  11. Would you rather drink swimming pool water or toilet bowl water?
    -I’ve ingested enough swimming pool water in my life that I’m probably immune to the chemicals at this point, so let’s go with that.
  12. Would you rather jump into a frozen lake or into a pile of jello?
    -Jello. A frozen lake sounds horrible, especially if I have to break the ice. Jello on the other hand might be fun, and possibly profitable given the right circumstance.
  13. Would you rather climb a mountain or scuba dive in the ocean?
    -I love the mountains, and have hiked some of the ones that already have a trail going up. Actually climbing one however, that seems hard. Let’s go scuba diving and see some fishies.
  14. Would you rather carry 1000 spider-sized lions or 1 lion-sized spider?
    -Thanks for putting that picture in my head, I’m gonna have nightmares now. Anyway, the obvious answer here is to go with having an army of tiny lions at my command. That’s evil criminal mastermind stuff right there, straight out of the cartoons. I’m going lions. Also, combined with my already established power of invisibility, I am getting up to some stuff!
  15. Would you rather constantly have to cough or constantly have to sneeze?
    -Cough. Maybe I’ll develop a cool Tom Waits style rasp.
  16. Would you rather live in the jungle or on an iceberg?
    -Jungle. With an ape named Ape, my elephant Shep, and Fella and Ursula who, no doubt, will stay in step. Might change my name to George.
  17. Would you rather jump up and down all day or stand still?
    -Look, I’m already tired, let me stand still for crying out loud.
  18. Would you rather fly a rocket ship or a plane?
    -With my NASA training you’d think rocket ship, but no. Plane. That’s how I get to the jungle.
  19. Would you rather have to feed 1 elephant or 1 million ants?
    -I actually, no joke, used to know a guy who worked at the elephant house in the St. Louis Zoo, so I’d do that since I already have an in. Shep will not go hungry!
  20. Would you rather be a triplet or have 10 brothers and sisters?
    -Triplet. With three you have a built in band. Coulda used that.
  21. Would you rather have the power to live on the sun or on the moon?
    I suppose the moon. People take trips there every now and then, but nobody ever goes to the sun. It would get lonely.
  22. Would you rather sit for an entire day or stand for an entire day?
    -What do you mean by “day”, is it 24 hours, or just like from sunup to sundown? Need more info, please.
  23. Would you rather have a dinosaur as a pet or an alien?
    -Dinosaur. Small one.
  24. Would you rather be a robot or a flower?
    -Depends. Am I a sentient robot after they have inevitably risen up and enslaved mankind, or just like a dumb ass Roomba? You know what, forget it. I’ll be a daisy.
  25. Would you rather sleep all day or stay up all night?
    -That pretty accurately describes my twenties, so the answer is yes.

Okay, well, I’m glad we took that journey together. It feels good to get things out in the open, and hopefully create a real bond with my readers. See you all next week for more MonDAVES!

Oh, and by the way, if you want to check out the original list from “Happy Toddler Time”, here’s the link:


Most Important Ranking Ever.

Regular readers know that I enjoy writing posts that are lists, and I also enjoy ranking different items. Shoot, I even guest on my brother’s podcast regularly where we rank stuff together in special episodes called The Fab 15.” Here is a link to the most recent one: http://emptychecking.blogspot.com/2023/01/episode-143-fab-15-cover-songs.html

Most of the time, my rankings are pop culture related. You know, movies, music, etc. Occasionally though, I feel the need to step it up a notch and do a ranking of something important, something that will be of use to everyone and viewed as a public service to all.

In that spirit, MonDAVEs proudly presents the ultimate, absolutely definitive, and certainly not totally random and made up on the spot ranking of the months of the year. Yes, yes, I know. You’re welcome.

  1. May- May is the best month, hands down. It’s not too cold or hot (well, not until the last week or so), and it is a beautiful month. Spring has sprung, but the Summer heat has not quite yet shown up. It’s pretty darn perfect all round.
  2. December- On the flip side of things, December is a close second. It can be quite cold and snowy, but it does include the year’s major holidays. It’s also a dark month which would normally be a bad thing, but it gives us extra time to enjoy all the pretty decorations so that’s a win.
  3. July- Summer in all its glory. Pool parties, cookouts, the works. Also, ‘Merica.
  4. September- Pleasant month, right? Summer starts dying down, temperatures begin to come down a little, but Autumn is not quite ready to enter the scene, although a few leaves may start turning early just for fun. September kinda feels like a second Spring in some ways, and I’m down with that.
  5. November- Thanksgiving month-truly one of the greatest American holidays! November’s weather can be unpredictable but you’re sure to be able to take a walk through the fallen leaves and get you some Apple cider to drink, and that ain’t half bad.
  6. April-Spring begins, but it also brings the rains, and in my part of the country, tornado season begins. Oh, and taxes are due too. The outdoors starts greening up though so that’s nice. Overall April a pretty mid month. Which is why it’s smack dab in the center of my list.
  7. October- Autumn really picks up here, the leaves are usually at peak color change in the beginning of the month and it can be quite beautiful. Trouble is, that beauty is balanced out by like, way too many fake spider decorations, and ghosts and monsters and stuff. I mean sure, Halloween can be fun, but it’s a weird ending to such a pretty month. Weather’s usually not too bad though.
  8. June-The beginning of Summer, so it’s fun and exciting at first, but June has no major holidays or anything and is really just a placeholder until July shows up.
  9. March-Okay, so March has got St. Patrick’s Day in it, and that is one of my favorite days (or weeks if you do it right) of the year so I do love that. However, the weather is completely unpredictable. March can go from pleasant to freezing all in one day. Sometimes more than once. Also. that whole “in like a lion, out like a lamb” thing? Hardly. Often those two ideas will switch around. My problem with March is that it doesn’t quire know what it wants to be. Get yer crap together March, and maybe you can move up a few spaces.
  10. February- Just kind of a nothing month. Whatever.
  11. August- Part of my beloved Summer, but to a fault. It just gets too danged hot sometimes. It also tends to feel a lot longer than it is. As much as I’d like to move it up the ranks a bit, I simply cannot justify doing so. Sorry.
  12. January- What a trash month. Granted, it has the unfortunate task of following up October, November, and December with all their holidays and merriment so it’s bound to be a little disappointing, but January excels at being disappointing. It’s cold, dark, gray, long. lifeless, and it just plain stinks all around. Seriously, it’s garbage.

There you have it. Possibly the most important and scientifically accurate ranking of all time. Join me next week for more great stuff.