Remember last week, how I ranted about the quality of comedy, and basically I insisted that both creators and audience should demand quality from their entertainment?

Okay, well, that still stands. With an asterisk.

You see, I am a father of young kids. well, they are pre-teens now, but still on the youngish side. Therefore, I have tried to be careful about what I watch, listen to and say in front of the kids. While they are getting old enough to see and hear more stuff, I still tend to air on the side of caution more often than not. Although I am always honest (though age appropriate) while explaining a reference or joke they don’t get (usually to a reaction of “eww!”), I try to limit their exposure to anything too adult while in the house.

Anyway, as a result of all this I have found my sense of humor changing just a touch. I will still laugh at jokes that are deemed inappropriate and/or in poor taste, sure, but I make those jokes a little less frequently. At least out loud. I have also picked up a new medium of comedy that I previously avoided like the plague.

You know those jokes that are clever, yet intentionally bad, usually involving horrible puns and nonsensical situations? In my stand up days we called them “groaners”, because the audience would groan when you told them. Back then they were particularly lame, and mostly avoided. Nowadays, they are called “Dad jokes”. They are still lame, but not so much avoided as celebrated in a weird way that simultaneously approves and disapproves of their very existence.

I didn’t want to start telling Dad jokes. Nobody plans to lame out that way, but you become a father and it just sort of happens to you. Not necessarily right away, of course, but over time pretty much all fathers become affected to one degree or another. One day your child says “Dad, I’m thirsty ” and you reply with “Hi Thirsty, I’m Dad” and then that’s it. You’re there. There’s nothing you can do about it, so you just accept your role as a Dad joke teller and go with it.

So in honor of the Dad joke, and as a tribute to those who tell them, here are some of my favorites. You’re welcome.

“I’ve memorized 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”

“A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.”

“Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it.”

“What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag’s a big plus!”

“I’m thinking of getting a new job. Working in a mirror factory is something I could see myself doing.”

“What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? Irrelephant.”

“I was going to tell a time travel joke, but you guys didn’t like it.”

“What did the green grape say to the purple grape? “BREATHE!!!”

“What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!”

“Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.”

“Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.”

“What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrot?”

“I would say nothing rhymes with orange, but it doesn’t.”

“What did one chicken say to the other chicken? I don’t know, I don’t speak chicken.” (I actually wrote that one. WOOT!)

And finally…

“I’ll never forget what my Grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket. “Grandson”, he said, “watch how far I can kick this bucket!”

I know, I know…but you read them all, didn’t you?

As many of my readers know, all nineteen of you, I spent several years in the 1990s performing stand up comedy. Many people I tell today don’t believe me, but it’s the truth. I did a lot of shows around the St. Louis area, everything from open mic nights to charity gigs, some corporate events, and paid gigs as an MC and feature act. I did a little bit of traveling for shows as well. My comedian friends and I put on our own DIY shows so we could do things our own way, just like punk rock bands were doing a decade before.

I became a student of all things comedy, from stand up to vaudeville, television shows, movies, radio performers, everything I could get my hands on to study the art. That’s what comedy was (is) to me, an artform. Perhaps not the noblest of art, but an art nonetheless. The greatest comedians can make you laugh in numerous ways. Some tell stories, some do one liners. Some have the presentation of a lecturer, some come across like your buddy after a few drinks. The style doesn’t matter, it’s the substance behind the jokes that makes a comedian’s material worthwhile. That’s where it stops being jokes and starts being art.

Artistry is ultimately why I stopped doing stand up. My goal was always to come at the material in a different way, to take the joke into an unexpected area, push it for all it was worth, and with a bit of surprise and unorthodox thinking, get that much sought after laugh. I felt like I had to earn the laughter, anything too easy was put up front in the act so I could get the cheap laughs out of the way and get audiences on my side before I hit ’em with the good stuff. Like my heroes before me, I believed there was no topic you couldn’t joke about, depending on the extent and intent of the joke. I also prided myself in never talking down to my audience. I refused to tailor my material to lowest common denominator settings, and I took it for granted that my audiences were smart enough to handle whatever I threw at them. Again, I was chasing “art” for the sake of it.

This turned out to be my undoing. During the ’90s stand up boom, comics were a dime a dozen, but most of them just wanted to be famous, even here in the Midwest there was a feeling that you could work hard enough to get noticed and “make it.” Trouble was, most of the people doing so were either just aping whatever they saw on Leno or Letterman in order to become America’s friendly comic next door, or going the other direction and trying to be as filthy as possible and get famous for being the next X Rated comedy bad boy. Any artistic notions, if these people had any at all, were secondary to the goal, whereas for myself and a few of my friends, artistry was the primary goal, and everything else, we naively thought, would come along after. Turns out we were SO wrong.

That fact didn’t change my ideals any. I would love to say it inspired me to get better at my craft, and at the time I thought it did, but it really just made me angry. Every single hack comic had an airline bit ( “Ever wonder why they call it…the terminal? HYUCK!). Or how about that classic cringy line: “That’s the difference between men and women”? Yeah, yeah, we all know the difference, Chuckles, we’re adults. Can we move on please?

And all the while I had agents and professional comics telling me my stuff was “too original”, and “too off beat” for me to be successful. That really stung.

It wasn’t just stand up either. Television and, especially, film comedies were changing as well. The change here was more subtle, but to anyone who took their comedy seriously (a weirdly pretentious stand to take, looking back) it was undeniable. From their very beginnings comedy movies had often focused on the “dumb guy” trope. Everyone from The Three Stooges to Steve Martin to Johnathan Winters to Monty Python and beyond used this character to great effect. The difference is, it had previously been done with a bit of a “wink” to the audience. In the past, you always felt that the writers and performers were actually smarter than the characters they portrayed. No longer the case come the mid ’90s. Sadly, this trend has mostly continued, though it has gotten a little bit better in the last 10 years or so. Or maybe we’re all just used to it.

Anyway, it all became too much. I was tired of banging my head against the wall for what felt like no recognition and little validation. Look, I’m not about to claim myself the “great lost wonder” of American comedy. My material was far from perfect, a lot of it was average at best and much of the stuff wouldn’t fly today. Heck, I only ever had about 1/3 of the room with me on any given joke, fortunately, each joke was a different third so I evened out pretty well. Sure, there are some bits I regret writing/performing. The fact is, I was an obnoxious little jackass in my 20’s and deserved to be knocked down a peg or two. I just never made my way back up.

So I stopped. I got as far away from stand up comedy as I could. I couldn’t even bring myself to watch it on television for years, much less set foot in a comedy club. It hurt too much.

What I didn’t know was that there were a lot of others like me, but not making my way out of the Midwest, I just didn’t get to see or hear them. Nowadays, there are many successful comics who share my comic sensibilities and have amazing careers. If I had been able to keep going…if I would have moved to a larger city….would I be among them? I don’t know. I’m not about to put myself in the same league as any of today’s greats. The odds are that I would not. Yet sometimes I can’t help but wonder.

So I didn’t become a professional comedian, which was my one goal. Sitcoms and movies didn’t interest me much, as I thought stand up could be an end in and of itself. Turned out to be an end before it began. Honestly, I am still a little bitter about it and I have some regrets about what I did and didn’t do. I chased this thing for the better part of ten years, eating, breathing and sleeping comedy. I don’t think anyone with a crushed dream doesn’t have at least a few regrets.

However, here’s the thing. I am finally beginning to get a better perspective on the whole thing. The results may not be what I wanted, but at least I did it. I got up on stage in front of a room full of strangers and made them laugh. Mostly. I bombed a lot, too. But I did it. I met a lot of cool people, and had a lot of fun. I got some good stories to tell, and a few I never will. These are experiences many people will never have, and I take some solace in that.

For a brief period of time, I lived my dream. I stood on a stage and expressed my ideas to an audience who were there to listen. And that, ultimately, is really what it was all about. Somewhere in me, I have that need. Communication. That’s why I auditioned for the school plays, and became a “theater kid.” That’s why I did stand up. That’s why I got into the local music scene. It’s also why I do this blog. Because that need, that part of the dream, never goes away. I know that as a middle aged man, there is very little chance of any project I do really taking off, and my audience will be limited. But I still have to feed the need.

In the end, I am still a dreamer. Dreams get crushed. Dreams change. But they never truly die. So I’m going to keep on doing what I do, in whatever form that takes, for whoever is willing to be there for it.

One more thing. I don’t want anyone thinking that I am dissatisfied with my life as is. While I would still love to live my dream full time, I have built a life with a wonderful family and would not trade them for anything. I see my kids taking an interest in the arts like I did, and it makes me proud. Keep living the dream, kids.

Keep living the dream.

Today begins National Teacher Appreciation Week, so I’d like to take this opportunity to send out a big “thank you” to all the teachers out there.

I come at this topic from a slightly different angle than most. Certainly we have all had teachers in our lives, some of whom made a lasting impression. I, however, was brought up by two teachers, and then I married one. So I can attest to not only the importance of the job, but also the personal side and the commitment involved.

First of all, let’s talk about the time commitments involved in being a teacher. As a youngster I used to watch my mother sit and grade papers for hours on end. Dad did the same thing, he just stayed at the building after school to do it instead of bringing the papers home. This usually meant he would get home between six and six thirty, after school letting out around three o clock (to say nothing of the meetings Dad attended as part of the teacher’s union, sometimes staying until after midnight working on contract negotiations). Then Mom would start grading after dinner and work for three hours on her own. This was every night, too, not just once or twice a week.

You’d think that with the advancing of technology that this would not still be required but sadly that’s not the case. Student assignments still need to be graded one at a time, especially when they are essays. Add to that multiple weekly staff and department meetings, and phone calls and e-mails with parents and time begins to add up.

But let’s not stop there! Teachers must also spend time planning out their lessons. My wife spends most of her time at her computer creating content. Videos for the kids to watch, worksheets for them to fill out (physically or digitally), writing tests, and a whole host of other things that I know the name of but don’t understand. She is working for four to six hours every night. She also puts in three to four hours every weekend too, on Saturday AND Sunday, sitting in the front room on her computer instead of relaxing. My wife is also her department chair which means she has the additional responsibility of keeping everyone in her department on the same page and helping out when a co worker is sick or needs extra help.

My wife is not a workaholic. She’s a Type A personality definitely, but not a workaholic. this is what’s required of her to be good at her job, and she cares about being good at it. You hear a lot of talk about work/life balance these days, but for many teachers that balance is severely out of whack.

“Sure, teachers put in a lot of work” you may be saying, “but they get their WHOLE SUMMER OFF!” Okay, let’s unpack that. First of all, Summer breaks are not nearly as long as they used to be. Break times used to be from before Memorial Day through the day after Labor Day here in Missouri. Now schools tend to let out in the first or second week of June and go back in early August. You can generally find teachers in their classrooms a day or two after school lets out for the year, and on and off for a week or more before school lets back in to get everything ready. Some teachers on different committees will have meetings throughout the summer. How about those teaching Summer School? You know, Summer School isn’t just for kids in danger of failing anymore. Many schools provide educational programs and workshops throughout the Summer for kids interested in theater, tech, sports and more. These are voluntary programs for the kids, staffed by teachers “on vacation”. Add this all in with the 20+ extra hours a week most teachers work and your little Summer break argument falls apart pretty quickly.

Then there’s the emotional side of things. Yes, teachers love kids and want them to succeed, and it is a great feeling when that happens. Getting through to a student, watching them learn and grow makes all the other stuff worth it. But there’s a lot of “other stuff” to deal with. Like having your job regulated by administration and school boards who don’t actually DO the job and have little to no in class experience. Or being subject to state and national mandates by also put in place by non educators. It always amazes me that everybody thinks they know how to teach because they went to school themselves. Look, I drive a car, but I am no mechanic. I’m not about to tell the guy at the repair shop anything about what he does. Same principle, y’all.

Next, there are the kids who are raised in an environment that doesn’t support learning. Many low income households put education low on the priority list and it can be hard to convince a kid to care about their education when their own parents don’t. Other parents do care about what their kids learn, but won’t take time to check in on their kid’s progress, communicate with the school, or even set good examples of how to take the work seriously. Then they expect the teachers to do in a few hours each day what they won’t do the rest of the week themselves. Yes, it is the teacher’s job to teach, but the student’s job is to learn. Too many people don’t understand that.

And then, of course, there are the parents who’s little angels can do no wrong, and any bad grades or disciplinary problems must certainly be the fault of the school. These are the kids who get everything handed to them, and then suffer when they get into the real world. But hey, why blame the parents for spoiling their kids when teachers are such an easy target?

Finally, let’s talk funding. There are a lot of people who make minimum wage (or under) that would be downright jealous of the income teachers make. I get that, and I’m not about to claim otherwise. However, there are a whole lot more people who make well above teacher’s salaries and do much less important work. Why do you think there are a shortage of teachers? I’ll tell you. Comparatively low salaries, work/life imbalance, and a lack of respect. Why go through all that if you don’t have to? I know more than one person (and I’ll bet you do too) who wanted to be a teacher, tried it out for a year or two and got out because it just wasn’t worth the trouble.

And still, year after year, tax increases are voted down, while our schools are forced to make do with less. Many people don’t believe it but it is absolutely true that teachers buy many of their own classroom supplies out of their own pockets. They simply have to. Many districts are woefully underfunded, to the point of using obsolete equipment, or even worse, being unable to provide a safe environment for students and staff. Teacher salaries aside, if we don’t invest in our schools we are not investing in our communities. We are not investing in our youth or our futures. Even if your kids go to private school (another tirade for another time), your local school district should be a concern. Not one to avoid, but one to do as much as you can to help.

Pretty bleak picture I’ve painted here, right? All of the above are the why I never seriously considered becoming a teacher, even though I was encouraged and half expected to do so. Many people thought it would be a good fit, but I don’t have the patience for it, nor the temperament. Even before all the challenges with virtual learning thanks to our new friend COVID-19!

And still, year after year, week after week, day after day, educators across the country report to work. They sacrifice their time, talent, and money (not to mention sanity) for the greater good. What they do is one of the most important jobs there is. We make it a habit to thank veterans and first responders. Let’s start adding teachers to that list too.