Gonna get real here for a minute. You have been warned.

Over the weekend someone I knew back in the old days passed away. This wasn’t somebody I knew well. We weren’t friends, more like acquaintances. His name was Tom Johnson.

I knew Tom back during my stand up comedy days. He was an established comic on the local scene, and I was just starting out as an open mic-er. I always thought he was next level funny. He had a sense of the absurd that was dark and irreverent, and his jokes could surprise and shock just as much as they could delight. These were qualities I looked up to in a comic back then, and to a degree I still do today.

Not only was he hysterical, but he was a decent guy. He never made me feel “less than” like some other established comics did, and accepted me and my comedy pals into the fold. I mean, he didn’t go out of his way to help us get a leg up (you have to earn your place in that world!), but he didn’t make fun either, which to my impressionable self was just as good. I remember getting a few small pointers form him as well after a set one night at the now defunct Comedy Etc. in Collinsville, IL.

I only knew Tom for a short while before he moved away to seek his fortune, which he did. He wound up as one of the writers on Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show” back in it’s 1990s heyday (which always made me proud that I knew that guy) and I believe he was still writing for that show when he passed.

Like I said, I wasn’t at all close to him, and he probably wouldn’t remember me in the slightest, but his death really hit me. Hard. Way harder than it should have. I mean, I don’t think I’d even thought about him for years. Still, when I was scrolling through the entertainment news on my phone and read the article in “Variety” I let out an audible gasp and a “nooo….”, and was shocked speechless for a while.

Part of this reaction was, of course, nostalgia for the old days, and part the loss of someone I respected. Yet, it’s bigger than that. I think I was also reacting to me.

This unfortunate news really got me thinking. I started thinking about some of the old gang of comics I used to pal around with and what they are doing now. I am still in touch with some, but others I lost contact with years ago. A little googling (not in a creepy way) showed me that some are still active in the comedy game, and others have moved on. I know a few who are still performing in other ways such as being in bands, local television, writing books, etc. One old friend works seasonally in haunted houses and making appearances as Santa. Good for all of them, they have found a way to keep things going! I admire that.

I also miss that. It’s been a number of years since I have done anything creative, outside of this blog that is. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy doing it and I’m glad you all read it, but it’s not quite the same thing as what I’d done before. I have been a comic, an actor in small theater productions, and a musician over the years. The last project of note I did was in 2016. For someone who considers themselves a creative type, that’s a long dry spell. Okay, so the pandemic didn’t exactly help matters, but still.

Somewhere along the way during that time I lost my spark. I lost that part of my personality. I think it happened slowly, to where I didn’t really notice, as I just busied myself with life and what was around me. I have a good life, to be sure, and I can’t complain. Still, I can’t help but feel that loss.

Without a steady creative outlet, I don’t feel quite as complete, and I am just now realizing it has been affecting me in ways that I hadn’t been aware of. I am not as jovial as I used to be. I’m not as sharp either. As I’ve fallen into the same old routines, I’ve become slower, duller, and more, well, boring. Some of that can be attributed to age, sure, but not all of it. I haven’t really felt like myself for quite some time, in fact my self confidence and self esteem have both dropped to lower levels than I would like to admit. I’ve grown complacent and ambivalent about a lot of things. Not completely, mind you, but it’s there all the ame. Again, it happened so gradually I didn’t really notice. Now I have. I’ve lost a part of myself, and I miss me.

So, I need to figure some things out. I need to find my fire again. My passion. I need to take a long look in the mirror and work on that guy who’s staring back at me. He’s not a bad guy, I don’t hate him or anything, but he could use some work in a lot of different areas. This loss of sense of self has affected my day to day just as much as my overall state of being. That’s not good, y’all. It’s time to do a little self re-evaluation. It’s time to go to work.

Now, please don’t misunderstand, this is all internal stuff that needs to happen, not external. I’m not about to have a mid-life crisis and leave my family or anything like that. I love them deeply and wouldn’t swap them for all the riches in the world. So don’t hear what I didn’t say. I just need to find my way back to me. It’s going to take a little time, a little work, and some intentionality, but I’m betting on a big payoff down the road.

Okay, there we are. Thanks for sticking with me guys, I really needed to get that out. I’ll be back to the usual stuff next week.

One more thing. To Tom: you inspired me as a young comedian, and in a way, you have inspired me again. Thank you. Oh, and say hi to Bernie. His song still haunts my dreams, and I am better for it! Rest in peace.