Dear Sandwich Makers of America,
First of all, let me thank you all for what you do. Designing and making quality sandwiches is a noble endeavor. From the local delicatessen to the neighborhood cafés, restaurants, diners and high class eateries of the country, your quest to fill our palates with a perfectly balanced bite of perfection has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. Sure, any one of us could whip up some cold cuts and American cheese on Wonder bread or a quick peanut butter and jelly in our own homes, but to pay six to eight dollars to have it done for us by artists such as yourselves is a decadent luxury and culinary treat that is a treasured, joyous delight for all red blooded American diners.
I know that you, the Sandwich Makers, are always looking for ways to better yourselves, improve the quality of your work, and push the envelope of what you do in hopes of making the “perfect” sandwich. The endless experimentation, tweaking, and testing of flavor combinations with fillings and condiments is of course necessary to the process of the pursuit of excellence and American Exceptionalism that makes this country what it is.
However, I fear that it may be going too far. In your desire to improve our sandwiches and “bring in the new”, we are beginning to lose sight of what made certain sandwiches so special in the first place. You have lost touch with your roots and are in danger of losing the soul of what we sandwich lovers hold so dear. We are in great danger of losing the classics.
I am speaking, of course, of the Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato sandwich, commonly known as the BLT. This fine sandwich has been around since the early 1900s, and owes its staying power to the fact that it is, quite simply, a perfect combination of ingredients and flavors.
Bacon. Lettuce. Tomato. White Bread. Mayo.
QUIT MESSING IT UP!!!!
The only alterations to be considered here are a.) Do we toast the bread? (Yes.), and b.) Could it use more bacon? (It could). If you wanna go nuts, make it a double decker, stick some toothpicks in it and call it a “club”. Outside of that, leave the thing alone! It’s basic, simple, and beautiful. It doesn’t need avocado. Or special sauce. Or Kale. Or greens.
Also, stop subbing out the bacon. Turkey bacon is an abomination of all that is good and holy in the meat section of the grocery store. And don’t even come at me with artificial vegetarian or vegan bacon. What even is that? Tofu?! Really?
If you don’t like the sandwich as is, fine. Don’t eat it. But don’t go changing it, trying to put your “spin ” on it, and ruining what is one of the greatest culinary delights of many generations, the almighty BLT!
Oh, and while we’re on the subject of “new and improved” sandwiches-quit screwing around with the grilled cheese too, willya? There’s nothing worse than going to some fancy bistro and having the waiter tell you about their “take” on the grilled cheese sandwich.
Here’s my “take” on it-leave it alone! It doesn’t need any meat in it. Or vegetables. Or tofu either, but then, what does? All we need is cheese. Good old American cheese, or maybe Velveeta, is fine. It does the job and it tastes the way that it’s supposed to. Okay, so a five cheese blend is nice, but it’s unnecessary. All that extra stuff is unnecessary. This is not gourmet dining, I am shoving a block of melted cheese on bread into my face, let’s not pretend it’s anything more evolved than that, okay?
And give me some tomato soup on the side too. That’s soup. Not bisque. You can’t dunk Velveeta in bisque, it’s unnatural and weird.
Look, I’m perfectly fine with you all making up new sandwich combos and creating new sauces. Put anything you want on there. Veggie sandwich? Great. Steak and sauerkraut? Fine. Peanut butter and pickle? You do you. But leave the classics alone. For me. For the children.