Got A Story For You.

Accompany me, if you will, into the Wayback Machine as we set the controls for December of 1989. This was a time when youth culture was ruled by a few unique things. MTV was of course the biggest, bringing its three and a half minute blasts of awesomeness to fans of not only pop music, but also the emerging musical style of hip hop which was coming into its own, and the already over-saturated and doomed to be short lived genre we called “glam metal”, a true dichotomy of a genre if there ever was one. I’d liken it to a conundrum wrapped in an enigma, except for the fact that few involved with this particular style would understand what either of those words mean.

Another cultural achievement that ruled our young lives was the shopping mall, and particularly the food court. On weekends, malls would be awash with teenagers who had nothing better to do but to congregate in these special sections of malls while munching on any number of tasty yet wholly unhealthy foods, and then roaming the mall for hours, in and out of stores and the common areas until the mall closed and your parents picked you up, or if you were lucky, you got to o to the late show at the adjoining movie theater before being picked up from there.

The third in the late 80’s trinity of teenage culture was Professional Wrestling. Yes, I know, wrestling had been around long before we got hold of it (or it of us, more correctly), and it still brings in the fans today. The 1980s though, was a golden age when the… well, I hate to use the word “sport” but for lack of a better descriptor… sport went from just being popular to being absolutely huge. Professional wrestling permeated every possible corner of pop culture and made stars out of almost everyone who were featured. There were record albums, toys, movies, comic books, and even Saturday morning cartoons featuring wrestling stars. Even people who couldn’t stand to watch wrestling knew enough about it and were familiar with the wrestling stars of the day.

It is in this environment my story takes place. I was in my senior year of High School that year and quite active in the arts. This was my fourth year of being in Concert Choir, which I actually lettered in. Yeah, exactly, I didn’t know you could do that either, but there we are.

Anyway, one of the perks of being in the choir in December was that you got one day off each year for a field trip to go and sing. Sometimes we would be one of many schools featured in an all day Carol fest at our local mall. Other years, though, we went to Lambert international Airport, St. Louis, and roamed around dressed in our Choir robes, singing carols out for all to hear. I have always thought it was a nice gesture to spread some Christmas cheer to the weary traveler in the amazingly drab building that passes for an airport here in the Lou. Although in hind sight, this may have just been an excuse for our directors to get out of the classroom for the day. Either way, we were always happy to go.

So, 1989 was an airport year. We’d been dutifully roaming the halls en masse, singing carols and holiday themed songs from a small booklet we all carried with us. We would occasionally stop where we could all gather together and sing as the full Choir, and there were probably about 30 to 40 of us so this was kind of a big deal. We’d sing in several areas where people were waiting to board, in one of the many available lobbies, and especially to people who had recently departed their planes, heading for their luggage.

As I remember things, it was toward the end of the day when some passengers were coming into the terminal after just having landed. That’s when my friend James said, “Dude… that’s Flyin’ Brian.”

“What? No it’s not.” was the reply from someone else who’s name I forget at this point. Joe? Adam, maybe? Rob? I don’t remember.

“No, I think it is. WCW is in town tonight. that’s Flyin’ Brian!

“Holy crap (only he didn’t say “crap”), it is!”

Now, about this time our choir director who we’ll call Kevin, because that’s his name, was beginning to congregate the choir and move us on to our next point, which was probably to the bus home. That’s when he noticed that a small group of us were not congregating with the others and certainly not going anywhere. So he came over to hurry us along.

We were ready for him. We excitedly explained that the wrestlers were beginning to get off the plane and could we please go get some autographs, it’ll only be a minute. Being a responsible adult, he wasn’t so sure about our plan. Can’t blame him of course, since he was in charge of us numbskulls and we were about to accost total strangers who we believed to be wrestling stars.

I remember very specifically telling him that Flyin’ Brian Pillman was standing just twenty feet from us, a once in a lifetime event.

“I don’t know guys, are you sure it’s him?” asked our honorable director.

“Pretty sure it’s him…” said James, “and that THAT’S TERRY FUNK!!!”

With these words, Kevin straightened up, adjusted his tie, and walked over to Terry Funk with what can only be described as a “purpose”. One would have half expected him to go give a lecture about how he and his colleagues were ruining young minds. Then he spoke these words:

“Mr. Funk. I’d just like to say I’m a huge fan…”

And I have no idea what he said after that because IT WAS ON! We were all rushing around to talk to any wrestler getting off the plane and making them sign their autographs in our sheets of caroling music. Mr. Koontz had given us the okay, and it was the coolest thing one of my teachers had ever done (and I had a lot of cool teachers!). He only let us go for a few minutes but it was more than enough.

Remember now, we are all in our Choir robes and had just been singing about reindeers, Santa, and the baby Jesus. So as fun as this story is from our perspective, what must have it been like for these wrestlers who were just getting off the plane in yet-another-airport to go to yet-another-match in their schedule just like any other day? I can only imagine.

I don’t remember everyone who was there, I’m sure there were a few more wrestlers I am forgetting. But I do know that Flyin’ Brian was trying to hold back laughter while talking to us and signing our music sheets. I’m not sure if he thought we were the biggest dorks in the world, or if the situation was just too goofy and unexpected to be taken seriously, or both, but it was all he could do to keep it together.

We also met one of the Von Erich brothers, but I can’t for the life of me remember which one. I remember he was very nice, though a little taken aback and confused by all of this.

Pretty sure we blew Terry Funk’s mind. He kindly signed every piece of paper but seemingly couldn’t figure out what to make of these high school kids in weird black and red robes freaking out over wrestlers while others sang Christmas carols at them. It was too weird, he couldn’t process it. But he went with it, because what else could he do?

Oh yeah, that’s the other thing. There were only a handful of us doing the autograph thing. The rest of the choir continued to sing on. presumably in an effort to try and keep some decorum about all of this. Which only made it weirder.

Anyway, that’s the gist of it. The Carol sheets with the signatures are long gone now, unfortunately. They were either mistakenly thrown away when moving out of my parent’s house, or a victim of Amber, the cocker spaniel puppy who ate everything in my room from records to tee shirts to books, whatever she could get hold of. I do wish I still had it since it’s such a fun memory of a weirdo, once in a lifetime thing.

You may think it strange to be telling what is essentially a Christmas story now while it’s still Summer. Ordinarily, you would be correct, but it just so happens that Terry Funk passed away last week, so I thought this was a good time to share. While I haven’t watched wrestling on any sort of regular basis for about twenty years or so (WCW RIP) but Terry Funk was a constant back then and I remember watching several of his matches. Many of them made me happy, but none of them as much as the day I sang Christmas Carols for wrestlers.

Rest well, Mr. Funk. May the heavenly choirs sing you into the afterlife…without creepily asking for an autograph.

See you next week.

Late Night Rabbit Holes

You know how it is. It’s getting late, but it’s not that late.

You’ve either streamed everything you currently find interesting, or you’re totally overwhelmed by too much choice. Reading seems like work. It’s a little too late to start playing music and wake up the rest of the house (who are quite sensibly sleeping at this hour). You could just go to bed, but you’re just not quite ready yet. Housework is out of the equation completely. So where do you turn?

YouTube. And you’ll stay there for hours. Apart from the standard dog/cat/cute kids/AFV-type rabbit hole, the possibilities are pretty much endless. We’ve all got our favorites, of course, but in case you’re looking for something new to check out, I’d like to share some of my go-to channels with you.

Okay, so these are actually all pretty well established, but chances are you may not be aware of all of these channels. If any are new to you, why not give them a chance? If you know them all, maybe check back in on your YouTuber friends. They probably miss you.

LOST IN THE POND
-Laurence Brown discusses the differences between American and British culture. Sometimes this pertains to linguistic differences, sometimes the differences in how we live our day to day lives, holidays, cultural (and pop cultural) differences, and more. Laurence is a native Briton, but has been living in America for years with his wife, and has recently become a full fledged citizen. Being a bit of an Anglophile myself, I very much enjoy this channel, both for the information and the humor. Or, humour. I read that last sentence in Laurence’s voice just now in my brain, and if you’ve ever heard him speak, you did too.

ASHLEIGH BURTON (AKA Millennial Movie Monday)
Ashleigh (or awkward Ashleigh as she is known on social media) is a Millennial who watches older movies for the first time, reacts to them and discusses her feelings about each film. The reactions are recorded live, but heavily edited due to copyright laws. I know some people don’t like reaction videos, but I do IF the subject is interesting, and IF the person(s) doing the reacting is likeable and fun to watch. This channel has plenty of both. Ashleigh is very much at home in front of the camera (sometimes a little too much-but in a fun way) and is very good at verbalizing her thought process and emotional reactions. She covers all sorts of movies from cult classics to blockbusters, and while I don’t watch any reactions to movies I have not seen myself, when I do watch I have a good time. Movie buffs, check this one out.

LOST IN VEGAS/ROB SQUAD REACTIONS
This is a two-fer, since the channels are both fairly similar. Both channels are run by African Americans reacting to a wide variety of music.

Lost In Vegas tends to be a bit more extreme in their musical choices, and have more of a “street” vibe (you have no idea how old I felt typing that). Thee guys also tend to break down the music a little bit more from a critical point of view, and can be a little harsh when they feel the need. Yet they virtually explode with delight when they find something they love and it is a joy to watch. George and Ryan are awesome.

Rob Squad is kind of the other side of the coin. Hosted by Jay and his wife Amber, these reactions tend to be a little more positive overall. While they do still break the songs down both musically and lyrically, much more credit is given to the vibe of the song and how it makes them feel. The goal here is to spread positivity through sharing musical experience and I am here for it. They also do some movie reviews, if you’d like to investigate those.

THE TRY CHANNEL
A rotating cast of Irish people try food and drink from around the world. It goes pretty much how you’d think. While I don’t always agree with their opinions on the American foods, the reactions are often hysterically funny. Watch enough of these videos and you’ll find your favorite TRY channel personalities (Dermot Ward and Justine Stafford are mine), and, maybe, some new foods to try yourself.

DAVE’S ARCHIVES
I’ve mentioned before how I like to watch old commercials at night before bed, partially for the nostalgia, but also because it helps clear my mind before bed and has a calming effect. Well, there are quite a few channels to choose form, but Dave’s Archives is the most expansive. It’s fun to see how many commercials in a given collection I remember, how many I don’t, and how many I had forgotten about until they come back to life on my screen. It’s also neat to see some big time actors before they were famous hocking burgers and soda. Thanks Dave, if that is your real name, for keeping the memories alive.

There are plenty more channels out there, of course, but this is a pretty good group of channels to keep you busy for a while. As for me, it’s late as I type this and I need to go to bed soon. Maybe jus a little YouTube before I drift off…

Not Loving This

Okay, so, McDonald’s, right? I have issues. Things have changed man, and I don’t mean the food.

McDonald’s used to be a lot different. It used to be fun, bright, and colorful. Along with the 1970s brown decor were splashes of red and yellow to brighten up the place. The color scheme changes slightly on the 80s but was still identifiably and unmistakably McDonalds.

Kids were rewarded with trips to McD’s for good grades, academic or athletic achievement, or even just good behavior. Every kid loved going to McDonald’s and getting their happy meal with the free toy inside, no matter how crappy the toy may be. We loved collecting those, and also begging our parents for an extra buck or so in order to get the collectible Garfield or Peanuts glasses.

Their advertising was great too. Like the restaurant itself, the ads were big and happy, bright and beautiful. Sometimes they told a nice story. Remember the one with the senior citizen going back to work? Or how about the commercial with the little girl’s recital? Heartwarming stuff to be sure.

There were more campaigns you’re sure to remember as well. “You Deserve A Break Today” was a big one. Remember which sandwich kept the “hot side hot and the cool side cool”? Sure you do. The McDLT. Remember when they started staying open for late nights and the Mac Tonight campaign had us all singing along?

Then, of course, there were the McDonald Land characters. Ronald McDonald took us to a fantasy world full of Fry Guys, little puppet McNuggets, Mayor McCheese and the Hamburglar, and, um, whatever it is that Grimace is supposed to be (someone once said a taste bud, but I have no idea how correct that is), and more. Some have called a few of these creations creepy in retrospect, but as young children, most of us loved the characters and their silly adventures as much as we loved going to the restaurant itself.

But that’s all changed now. Somewhere along the line, the vibrant colors all went away and were replaced with drab, boring shades of tan and beige. McDonald’s decor has gone from tesembling an excited child with a joyful future to that of a depressed middle-aged man who’s given up on the even the most remote possibility of fun. Which, of course, mirrors the fates of its core audience, but still. Next time you go inside, take a look around you and notice how drab and awful your surroundings have become.

The ads are just bad now, too. Dull, uninspired, and boring, it’s a shame what the once brilliant McDonald’s ad campaigns have become. They have officially “Ba dap ba ba bad” their way into irrelevance. I’m supposed to be loving this? I think not.

The last straw has to be this whole “Grimace Shake” fiasco. Problem one is the fact that nobody can seem to agree on what the purple concoction actually tastes like. Problem two is, although they brought our beloved Grimace back, they changes him into a three year old boy…er…thing, instead of the ageless, Dim-witted, but good hearted lump we all knew and loved.

Okay, so I was actually excited at first that they brought Grimace back. “If this takes off,” I thought to myself, “we might actually see the McDonald Land characters come back, and Mickey D’s become a happy place again. They a re actually fixing it!” My celebration, however, would be short-lived.

What happened next was not McDonalds’ fault, but instead that of the social media menace known as Tic Toc. Or was it Twitter? Doesn’t matter. Anyway, the “Grimace Shake Trend” started when some little punk with no respect posted a video wherein people who drank the Shake immediately died. Funny in an anarchic way I suppose, but then it became a “thing” and just about everybody with a cell phone started doing it too, all trying to outdo one another by making each video feature more “gore” in the guise of purple shake being strung everywhere.

So, as a result, the promotion has basically been ruined, and unless the McDonald’s people are willing to let their characters be perverted like that, the characters have virtually no chance of coming back. Thanks for wrecking it, Tic Toc, or Twitter, or whatever. Now instead if a bright, happy Mcfuture we have to go back to a drab, boring, no future, which may make for a great Sex Pistols song, but sucks for a Hamburger joint.

Look, McDonald’s is in no danger of folding anytime soon, I know. It’s still fast, convenient food that is tasty, and will satisfy when you want it too. It’s just that it used to be an almost magical thing and I feel like it could be again. But we are a long way off, and we’ve got a long way to go.

Thanks for indulging this rant. Let’s all grab a quarter pounder, or maybe some nuggets and fries, and meet up here next time for another edition of MonDaves.

A Scent-imental Blog Post. That’s The Biggest Hack Joke I Have Ever Used. Sorry. I’m Usually Better Than That.

Long time readers may remember a post I made last year titled “The Rejects”, in which I discussed some topics I had thought about writing on but rejected for various reasons. There was one, however, that I did mention I might still do. Well, today is the day, you lucky duckies. Because I’m not afraid to repeat ideas, I had a really weird week and need a little levity, and one guy said he’d actually like to read this when I first mentioned it, I herby present the long awaited, already oversold entry:

Here’s A Bunch Of Smells I Like

-Bread baking in the oven.
Because bread is like, one of the most delicious things ever.

-New car smell.
Smells like success, new beginnings, and freedom. Until the first payment. Then it just smells like debt.

-Burning wood.
Smells like a campfire in the Summer, and a cozy homecoming in Winter.

-Sharpies.
If big, block letters had a smell, this would be it.

-Books.
-New books have that fresh print smell. Old weathered books have the smell of the ages. Unless they are water damaged. Then eww.

-Christmas Trees.
Pines or furs, it’s the most wonderful smell of the year, y’all.

-Leather.
Warm and rich, it smells like history. Not only the history that has been made by those who blazed a trail before us, but also the history that is yet to be made. That sounded cooler in my head. Moving on.

-Oranges And Lemons.
The smell of clean. Also a great album by classic British pop band XTC. Go stream it. After you finish reading this obviously.

-Mountain Air.
Maybe not so much a smell as a feeling, but there’s nothing like it.

-Bacon.
I mean, come on. It’s bacon frying, what’s not to love? Double points for Maple Bacon.

-Barbeque.
Meat. Spices. Wood and/or charcoal. Sensory overload. Half the magic of a cookout is smelling the air before you dig in. Magic.

-Rain.
Rain almost always smells good, but I particularly like a late Summer rain cooling off the day right around dusk. The soil and Summer foliage smells amazing.

-Gasoline.
I know, I’m weird. Still, it reminds me of childhood. I think that the smell of gas was much more prominent at the pumps back then but I have absolutely no proof of that. I wouldn’t suggest sniffing too much of the stuff (ever accidentally get some on you and you stink all day? Not cool!), but a quick smell while filling the tank I find quite pleasurable.

-Popcorn.
Pretty much the greatest all purpose snack food.

-Vanilla.
Some say it’s a boring scent but I disagree. It’s sweet, yet subtle. Rich, yet soothing. It smells clean, and I find it to be a calming scent as well.

-Patchouli.
Kind of a dark scent, sweet yet musky. It’s also super strong, which is why stoners sometimes use it to try and hide the pot smell. FYI-doesn’t work guys. Still dig the scent though.

-Aged Bourbon.
I don’t drink the stuff anymore, but the scent of alcohol mixed with years of being in wood barrels is still delightful to me.

-Frying Chicken.
I mean, like, home made fried chicken. Not the fast food version. Flower, spices, chicken and Crisco-smells like Grandma’s house on a Sunday afternoon.

-Honeysuckle.
A strong, sweet smell found in many a walk through parks and gardens. I even like the “honeysuckle scent” we use in our laundry detergent. Smells like Spring.

-Blacktop.
Yeah, another weird one. I dunno, man, I just like it. It seemed like this scent was everywhere when I was a kid, so that’s probably the reason, but it’s a favorite smell, especially in Summer.

Well, there’s my top twenty favorite smells. This was kind of a fun writing exercise. Using my memory to try and conjure up various scents and then describe them through words was a bit more of a challenge than I anticipated, but an interesting process. Try it, fellow writers, and see what you think.

See you next week for more MonDAVEs!

Do You Believe?

Conspiracy theories used to be fun. Remember that?

Remember when people would read the articles in rags, er, magazines like The National Enquirer and Weekly World News while standing in line at the supermarket, and laugh about them? Used to be you’d know maybe a few people that read those things regularly, like maybe your Grandma that didn’t get out much, or your weird Uncle Fred, but that would be about it. Maybe you worked with a guy who was all in on one particular theory, but he seemed harmless enough, just a little out there, so you didn’t worry about it.

Now seems like every third or fourth person you meet is spouting some new nonsense like it’s universal, indisputable truth. Not in a fun, silly way either, these people are serious about it all. So serious in fact that they are willing to lose friends and sometimes even family members over their new dark web gospel. It’s insane.

But it wasn’t always thus. I remember a time when you could talk about the conspiracy of the day (aliens among us, Elvis is alive, they saved Kennedy’s brain, what have you) with other people, whether they believed in it or not, and still be friends the next day. You could have a drink and laugh it off if things got heated.

I miss those days. We were being able to chuckle at somebody’s crazy theories and respectfully disagree with no harm done. Now it’s a shouting match and possibly fisticuffs, or worse. What’s a fun loving guy or gal who likes a silly conversation and a bit of a wind-up to do? Can we still have fun with conspiracy theories? Can we find a few that won’t get half the populace all riled up? Can we pause to appreciate the fact that I just used the word “fisticuffs”?

I think there are a few that would still fit the bill. Let’s talk about them here. Some have been around for a while, some are new. I’ll let you decide which side you come down on with each. Just remember, this is all in fun.

William Shakespeare didn’t write all his plays.

This one has been around forever. It’s a fun one because apart from a few literary/theater geeks and maybe Shakespeare’s remaining relatives, nobody’s going to get mad about this one. Besides, everyone involved has been dead for a really long time, so who are you going to offend?

Theory #1 states that many of ol’ Wil’s plays were written, or co-written, by a guy named Frances Bacon. Which of course makes them the ever popular duo of Shake and Bake. This theory is a popular one, so much so that it inspired the name of a food product in the late 20th century. Pretty sure.

Theory #2 is a little more recent. This theory speculates that Shakespeare was even more of a thief than previously imagined. Apparently other playwrights would present Shake with their scripts asking for constructive criticism or approval. Shakespeare would read the plays and invariably tell the ambitious author that the play “sucked hard” which I believe was a popular expression at the time. The other playwright would destroy the play and go back to square one while William would take their idea and rearrange it so he could pass it off as his own.

Either way you go, this is an interesting thought exercise and some good, mostly harmless, literary fun. This is also a good theory to bust out at a party where there are smart people around and you want to look like you belong in the room.
Bigfoot exists.

People are really into this one y’all, and have been as long as I can remember. Bigfoot hunters are no joke. Even some scientists have weighed in on this one. This is a fun theory, because it actually does have a small amount of believability to it. Forests are big, and it isn’t completely out of touch to think that maybe there are some species we haven’t discovered yet. Turning that species into a man-monster hybrid just lends a cool, cheesy sci-fi/horror movie vibe to it that is irresistible to some folks.

While I’m not about to sign on for this one, I am all for the Bigfoot truthers out there keeping on with their search. It gives them something to do with their free time. I just hope they never find him. Not because it wouldn’t be cool, but because then they’d have nothing to do. Then what? They may start turning to more dangerous ideas. Better to keep ’em busy with Bigfoot.

By the way, you can replace the forests with the cosmos and Bigfoot with aliens, and this whole section still works.
The Moon landing was faked.

I love this one.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I really don’t care if the Moon landing was real or not. I just enjoy watching people get so worked up over an idea that is so patently ridiculous. The fun part though, is that the people who get so dramatically upset are the people trying to disprove the theory that the landing was faked. It’s a classic role reversal and it fascinates me.

You can see this in person pretty easily. Next time someone mentions the moon landing (which happens more often than you’d think) just roll your eyes and say “yeah, allegedly” and watch ’em go. That’s what I do. I never make any real arguments, I just kind of shrug and say “ehh, maybe” or “well I mean, we went to the moon eventually…just not that first time” and then I see if I can count how many veins pop out of their forehead. Then they get upset by the fact that I am so nonchalant about the whole thing and that I am not as wound up as they are!

Okay, so it’s probably not very nice to purposefully wind people up like that, but it is funny.
Birds aren’t real.

This is the newest conspiracy theory I’ll be looking at here. It is also by far the weirdest, and possibly my favorite. I stumbled upon this one a few years ago and was just completely enraptured by it. I have no idea if the people behind this are serious or not, but it’s gold either way.

Okay, so the long and short of it is that birds are not what we think they are, hence the idea that they are not real. Well, they used to be real, many years ago. However (there’s always a however) over time the government got involved because of course they did, and replaced all the birds with drones so they could spy on citizens.

Real talk. This is clearly a joke, but it’s a good one. The “birds aren’t real” folks sell merchandise and have literature you can spread around to be in on the joke as well. Thousands of people are.

It was started as a satire of modern conspiracy theories and how nuts it’s all gotten. Yet, I wouldn’t be surprised if there aren’t a handful of people out there spouting off about the “Deep State” and God knows what else, who are falling for this one hook, line, and sinker. Let’s not tell ’em.

All right, everybody, that’s about as far down the rabbit hole I’m willing to go with this topic. Hope you had some fun with this one, and nobody got upset. It’s just me being a little uppity and having a laugh. I’ll be back soon with more stuff.