You know how when you’re binging a show and you get to that one episode in the season that doesn’t quite stack up to the rest? That’s kinda what this is. Only in blog form.

Sometimes when I think about blog topics I go through three or four topics in my head. I then pick two of the strongest ones and, considering the topics item by item and strength to strength I decide which will be the winner that particular week. Usually this process works.

Today, not so much.

I was going to write about something specific but life, as it does, took a slight detour and I can’t write about that thing yet. Sorry to be so vague, but it may be coming up again soon so no spoilers. Unfortunately, I didn’t get it together to properly think out my back up topic either. Which leaves me with very little to say this week.

So here’s two random thoughts I’ve had recently.

1. If I have a super power, it’s enabling people. If you’d like proof of this, track down my brother and ask him about the guitars in his collection he can blame me for. My wife could probably also have a comment or two about my enablist instincts. Wait, is enablist a word? Well, it is now.

Anyway, I think that “The Enabler” would be a decent super villain name. Or possibly a pro wrestler, but I’m not sure how that would work. Of course, this is a power that can be used for good or evil, depending upon which side you’re on. So maybe an anti-hero? Hmmm.

Somebody get Marvel on the phone. No, scratch that. Get D.C., it seems like more their thing. Either is fine, actually, as long as I get credit for the idea. And a check.

2. Sometimes, when life gets too stressful, I daydream about moving to the country and operating a small goat farm. I could tend the land, look after the goats, and use their milk to make cheese or like, soap maybe. Then I’d sell my wares in farmer’s markets on the weekends, and maybe have a small online store. Then I could live a quiet life away from the hustle and bustle, and perhaps find a more peaceful life.

Okay, so it sounds nice, but I don’t actually know anything about goats. Or farming. Or making soap. Or cheese. Or soap cheese. Goat soap cheese, if you will. So it’s probably best I don’t follow through with it. Stupid reality.

Well, that’s all I have for you this week.. This is what happens here at the the ol’ blog when a plan does not come together. Sorry.

I’ll be back soon with stuff about music, movies, family, dad jokes, and all the stuff you’ve come to expect around here, in future editions of MonDAVEs.

Do You Believe?

Conspiracy theories used to be fun. Remember that?

Remember when people would read the articles in rags, er, magazines like The National Enquirer and Weekly World News while standing in line at the supermarket, and laugh about them? Used to be you’d know maybe a few people that read those things regularly, like maybe your Grandma that didn’t get out much, or your weird Uncle Fred, but that would be about it. Maybe you worked with a guy who was all in on one particular theory, but he seemed harmless enough, just a little out there, so you didn’t worry about it.

Now seems like every third or fourth person you meet is spouting some new nonsense like it’s universal, indisputable truth. Not in a fun, silly way either, these people are serious about it all. So serious in fact that they are willing to lose friends and sometimes even family members over their new dark web gospel. It’s insane.

But it wasn’t always thus. I remember a time when you could talk about the conspiracy of the day (aliens among us, Elvis is alive, they saved Kennedy’s brain, what have you) with other people, whether they believed in it or not, and still be friends the next day. You could have a drink and laugh it off if things got heated.

I miss those days. We were being able to chuckle at somebody’s crazy theories and respectfully disagree with no harm done. Now it’s a shouting match and possibly fisticuffs, or worse. What’s a fun loving guy or gal who likes a silly conversation and a bit of a wind-up to do? Can we still have fun with conspiracy theories? Can we find a few that won’t get half the populace all riled up? Can we pause to appreciate the fact that I just used the word “fisticuffs”?

I think there are a few that would still fit the bill. Let’s talk about them here. Some have been around for a while, some are new. I’ll let you decide which side you come down on with each. Just remember, this is all in fun.

William Shakespeare didn’t write all his plays.

This one has been around forever. It’s a fun one because apart from a few literary/theater geeks and maybe Shakespeare’s remaining relatives, nobody’s going to get mad about this one. Besides, everyone involved has been dead for a really long time, so who are you going to offend?

Theory #1 states that many of ol’ Wil’s plays were written, or co-written, by a guy named Frances Bacon. Which of course makes them the ever popular duo of Shake and Bake. This theory is a popular one, so much so that it inspired the name of a food product in the late 20th century. Pretty sure.

Theory #2 is a little more recent. This theory speculates that Shakespeare was even more of a thief than previously imagined. Apparently other playwrights would present Shake with their scripts asking for constructive criticism or approval. Shakespeare would read the plays and invariably tell the ambitious author that the play “sucked hard” which I believe was a popular expression at the time. The other playwright would destroy the play and go back to square one while William would take their idea and rearrange it so he could pass it off as his own.

Either way you go, this is an interesting thought exercise and some good, mostly harmless, literary fun. This is also a good theory to bust out at a party where there are smart people around and you want to look like you belong in the room.
Bigfoot exists.

People are really into this one y’all, and have been as long as I can remember. Bigfoot hunters are no joke. Even some scientists have weighed in on this one. This is a fun theory, because it actually does have a small amount of believability to it. Forests are big, and it isn’t completely out of touch to think that maybe there are some species we haven’t discovered yet. Turning that species into a man-monster hybrid just lends a cool, cheesy sci-fi/horror movie vibe to it that is irresistible to some folks.

While I’m not about to sign on for this one, I am all for the Bigfoot truthers out there keeping on with their search. It gives them something to do with their free time. I just hope they never find him. Not because it wouldn’t be cool, but because then they’d have nothing to do. Then what? They may start turning to more dangerous ideas. Better to keep ’em busy with Bigfoot.

By the way, you can replace the forests with the cosmos and Bigfoot with aliens, and this whole section still works.
The Moon landing was faked.

I love this one.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I really don’t care if the Moon landing was real or not. I just enjoy watching people get so worked up over an idea that is so patently ridiculous. The fun part though, is that the people who get so dramatically upset are the people trying to disprove the theory that the landing was faked. It’s a classic role reversal and it fascinates me.

You can see this in person pretty easily. Next time someone mentions the moon landing (which happens more often than you’d think) just roll your eyes and say “yeah, allegedly” and watch ’em go. That’s what I do. I never make any real arguments, I just kind of shrug and say “ehh, maybe” or “well I mean, we went to the moon eventually…just not that first time” and then I see if I can count how many veins pop out of their forehead. Then they get upset by the fact that I am so nonchalant about the whole thing and that I am not as wound up as they are!

Okay, so it’s probably not very nice to purposefully wind people up like that, but it is funny.
Birds aren’t real.

This is the newest conspiracy theory I’ll be looking at here. It is also by far the weirdest, and possibly my favorite. I stumbled upon this one a few years ago and was just completely enraptured by it. I have no idea if the people behind this are serious or not, but it’s gold either way.

Okay, so the long and short of it is that birds are not what we think they are, hence the idea that they are not real. Well, they used to be real, many years ago. However (there’s always a however) over time the government got involved because of course they did, and replaced all the birds with drones so they could spy on citizens.

Real talk. This is clearly a joke, but it’s a good one. The “birds aren’t real” folks sell merchandise and have literature you can spread around to be in on the joke as well. Thousands of people are.

It was started as a satire of modern conspiracy theories and how nuts it’s all gotten. Yet, I wouldn’t be surprised if there aren’t a handful of people out there spouting off about the “Deep State” and God knows what else, who are falling for this one hook, line, and sinker. Let’s not tell ’em.

All right, everybody, that’s about as far down the rabbit hole I’m willing to go with this topic. Hope you had some fun with this one, and nobody got upset. It’s just me being a little uppity and having a laugh. I’ll be back soon with more stuff.

Somebody Get Me An Agent, I’ve Got Some Ideas

I had a fairly bad cold last week. Not flu level (or COVID) thank goodness, but bad enough to knock me down for a few days. During my two day sick fest my viewing habits went straight back to my old school sick day routine, which meant the morning news shows, a little PBS, and a whole lot of game shows. Pluto TV has tons of game shows from classic The Price Is Right episodes to America Says, Deal Or No Deal, Jeopardy, Wheel Of Fortune and many more on both designated channels and on demand. Oh, and before you regular readers comment, I know I was just complaining about there being too many streaming services a few weeks ago, but I didn’t say it was all bad. Besides, a little small hypocrisy never hurt anybody.

Anyway.

I have continued watching some game shows here and there since I got better. I always forget how much I love game shows until I get on a kick like this. While I doubt I’ll ever make it on a game Show I have had a few ideas for some new Game Shows that I think would be fun. See what you think about these ideas:

1. Chewy/Not Chewy

Here’s one for Food Network. In this game contestants are presented with both familiar and obscure foods, treats, and delicacies from around the world and based upon their smell and appearance the contestants must decide if the foods are chewy or not chewy. It would be a great way to introduce people to new foods. It would also be fun to hear an entire studio audience yell out “Not Chewy!” in unison.

2. Grammar Police

This is a game for all of us grammar freaks. The contestants are read samples of other people’s writing and have to spot the grammar mistakes. As the game goes on the mistakes get trickier. Points are scored for every mistake found. The person with the fewest points at the end of round two is placed in “Grammar Jail” while the winner plays a bonus round for prizes, and an official badge, making them an officer with the Grammar Police.

3. Ex Or Next

Here we have an updated twist on the old Dating Game/Newlywed Game format. The contestants are all people who are recently engaged. Before the show begins, both the contestant’s fiancée and an ex-significant other have answered a series of questions. The contestant hears both the questions and the answers and has to try to work out who said what by matching the response to the appropriate person. A tally is kept showing how many correct matches the contestant has. At the end of the show a prize is given based on how many matches the contestant got right. This consists of an all expense paid date at a swanky restaurant or other romantic location. Here’s the catch: Whoever the contestant matched most answers with is the person they have to take on the date.

4. Name That Odor

This one’s pretty self explanatory. Kind of a gross idea, sure, but you’d tune in. You know you would. At least once. Plus, the celebrity edition would be epic.

5. What’s That Supposed To Be?

In this fun for the whole family game, contestants are shown drawings by toddlers and preschoolers and have to figure out what in the world they are looking at. Sometimes there are hints, sometimes not. Whoever comes nearest the actual intent of the drawing gets the points, and the person with the most semi-correct guesses wins. This show is the perfect blend of adorableness and parental nightmare. It’s bound to be a hit.

So, what do you think? Am I a game show genius? Should I try to get in touch with Hollywood, or would I just be pressing my luck? Either way, I’ll see you back here next week for more MonDAVEs!

Questions? I Got Answers!

I recently read that a personal blog such as this one should be both informational and confessional in order to be considered successful. So with that in mind, I am going to give you a window into my mind, heart and soul by answering 25 “Would You Rather” questions I found while surfing the net. There are 150 questions in the original list but I’m only doing the first section because this post would be way too long otherwise, and I’m too lazy to do more than that anyway. See? A confession already and we’re not even through with the introduction. This should be fun.

Questions from “Happy Toddler Playtime”

Would you rather be called Boo Boo Butt or Willy Willy Wonky Face?
-In certain circles, I am already known as “Willy Willy Wonka Face” thank you very much.
Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
-Invisibility is the only hip answer to this question.
Would you rather live inside a banana or a watermelon?
-Ooh, good question. I like bananas way better, but a watermelon has a lot more room. So that.
Would you rather be able to hear things no one else could or see things no one else could?
-What kind of things would I be seeing? Like ghosts? No thanks. I’ll take super hearing.
Would you rather catch a frog or a fly?
-For what purpose? A frog, I guess. Maybe we’ll be friends. I’d name him Herbie.
Would you rather take a skunk for a walk or a porcupine?
-This question comes down to environment. I think a porcupine would be more fun for a walk in the park, but if I’m walking in a bad neighborhood I would take the skunk. Nobody’s gonna mess with a guy walking a skunk.
Would you rather work at NASA or the FBI?
-Ummm…NASA? I guess? Wait, do I actually have to go into space? No? Okay, NASA.
Would you rather dress as your school principal or your math teacher?
-Well, my principals mostly wore suits, so I choose that. At least I’d look like maybe I was in charge of something.
Would you rather eat 1000 smarties or 1000 lb chocolate bar?
-Dude. Smarties are my favorite. Especially those weird ones that look like what the color orange would look like if it wasn’t feeling well.
Would you rather teach someone a new joke or a new dance?
-New joke. Although it has been said that my dancing is a joke already, so fifty-fifty on this one.
Would you rather drink swimming pool water or toilet bowl water?
-I’ve ingested enough swimming pool water in my life that I’m probably immune to the chemicals at this point, so let’s go with that.
Would you rather jump into a frozen lake or into a pile of jello?
-Jello. A frozen lake sounds horrible, especially if I have to break the ice. Jello on the other hand might be fun, and possibly profitable given the right circumstance.
Would you rather climb a mountain or scuba dive in the ocean?
-I love the mountains, and have hiked some of the ones that already have a trail going up. Actually climbing one however, that seems hard. Let’s go scuba diving and see some fishies.
Would you rather carry 1000 spider-sized lions or 1 lion-sized spider?
-Thanks for putting that picture in my head, I’m gonna have nightmares now. Anyway, the obvious answer here is to go with having an army of tiny lions at my command. That’s evil criminal mastermind stuff right there, straight out of the cartoons. I’m going lions. Also, combined with my already established power of invisibility, I am getting up to some stuff!
Would you rather constantly have to cough or constantly have to sneeze?
-Cough. Maybe I’ll develop a cool Tom Waits style rasp.
Would you rather live in the jungle or on an iceberg?
-Jungle. With an ape named Ape, my elephant Shep, and Fella and Ursula who, no doubt, will stay in step. Might change my name to George.
Would you rather jump up and down all day or stand still?
-Look, I’m already tired, let me stand still for crying out loud.
Would you rather fly a rocket ship or a plane?
-With my NASA training you’d think rocket ship, but no. Plane. That’s how I get to the jungle.
Would you rather have to feed 1 elephant or 1 million ants?
-I actually, no joke, used to know a guy who worked at the elephant house in the St. Louis Zoo, so I’d do that since I already have an in. Shep will not go hungry!
Would you rather be a triplet or have 10 brothers and sisters?
-Triplet. With three you have a built in band. Coulda used that.
Would you rather have the power to live on the sun or on the moon?
I suppose the moon. People take trips there every now and then, but nobody ever goes to the sun. It would get lonely.
Would you rather sit for an entire day or stand for an entire day?
-What do you mean by “day”, is it 24 hours, or just like from sunup to sundown? Need more info, please.
Would you rather have a dinosaur as a pet or an alien?
-Dinosaur. Small one.
Would you rather be a robot or a flower?
-Depends. Am I a sentient robot after they have inevitably risen up and enslaved mankind, or just like a dumb ass Roomba? You know what, forget it. I’ll be a daisy.
.
Would you rather sleep all day or stay up all night?
-That pretty accurately describes my twenties, so the answer is yes.

Okay, well, I’m glad we took that journey together. It feels good to get things out in the open, and hopefully create a real bond with my readers. See you all next week for more MonDAVES!

Oh, and by the way, if you want to check out the original list from “Happy Toddler Time”, here’s the link:

101 Would You Rather Questions for Kids

Most Important Ranking Ever.

Regular readers know that I enjoy writing posts that are lists, and I also enjoy ranking different items. Shoot, I even guest on my brother’s podcast regularly where we rank stuff together in special episodes called The Fab 15.” Here is a link to the most recent one: http://emptychecking.blogspot.com/2023/01/episode-143-fab-15-cover-songs.html

Most of the time, my rankings are pop culture related. You know, movies, music, etc. Occasionally though, I feel the need to step it up a notch and do a ranking of something important, something that will be of use to everyone and viewed as a public service to all.

In that spirit, MonDAVEs proudly presents the ultimate, absolutely definitive, and certainly not totally random and made up on the spot ranking of the months of the year. Yes, yes, I know. You’re welcome.

May- May is the best month, hands down. It’s not too cold or hot (well, not until the last week or so), and it is a beautiful month. Spring has sprung, but the Summer heat has not quite yet shown up. It’s pretty darn perfect all round.
December- On the flip side of things, December is a close second. It can be quite cold and snowy, but it does include the year’s major holidays. It’s also a dark month which would normally be a bad thing, but it gives us extra time to enjoy all the pretty decorations so that’s a win.
July- Summer in all its glory. Pool parties, cookouts, the works. Also, ‘Merica.
September- Pleasant month, right? Summer starts dying down, temperatures begin to come down a little, but Autumn is not quite ready to enter the scene, although a few leaves may start turning early just for fun. September kinda feels like a second Spring in some ways, and I’m down with that.
November- Thanksgiving month-truly one of the greatest American holidays! November’s weather can be unpredictable but you’re sure to be able to take a walk through the fallen leaves and get you some Apple cider to drink, and that ain’t half bad.
April-Spring begins, but it also brings the rains, and in my part of the country, tornado season begins. Oh, and taxes are due too. The outdoors starts greening up though so that’s nice. Overall April a pretty mid month. Which is why it’s smack dab in the center of my list.
October- Autumn really picks up here, the leaves are usually at peak color change in the beginning of the month and it can be quite beautiful. Trouble is, that beauty is balanced out by like, way too many fake spider decorations, and ghosts and monsters and stuff. I mean sure, Halloween can be fun, but it’s a weird ending to such a pretty month. Weather’s usually not too bad though.
June-The beginning of Summer, so it’s fun and exciting at first, but June has no major holidays or anything and is really just a placeholder until July shows up.
March-Okay, so March has got St. Patrick’s Day in it, and that is one of my favorite days (or weeks if you do it right) of the year so I do love that. However, the weather is completely unpredictable. March can go from pleasant to freezing all in one day. Sometimes more than once. Also. that whole “in like a lion, out like a lamb” thing? Hardly. Often those two ideas will switch around. My problem with March is that it doesn’t quire know what it wants to be. Get yer crap together March, and maybe you can move up a few spaces.
February- Just kind of a nothing month. Whatever.
August- Part of my beloved Summer, but to a fault. It just gets too danged hot sometimes. It also tends to feel a lot longer than it is. As much as I’d like to move it up the ranks a bit, I simply cannot justify doing so. Sorry.
January- What a trash month. Granted, it has the unfortunate task of following up October, November, and December with all their holidays and merriment so it’s bound to be a little disappointing, but January excels at being disappointing. It’s cold, dark, gray, long. lifeless, and it just plain stinks all around. Seriously, it’s garbage.

There you have it. Possibly the most important and scientifically accurate ranking of all time. Join me next week for more great stuff.