Top 10 Reasons Why I Didn’t Do A Post This Week

Sorry everybody, but I just couldn’t get it together to do a MonDAVEs post this week. Please accept my humble apologies. I know you’re all heartbroken, but perhaps you can find it in your hearts to forgive me if I can explain to you why this happened.

Reason #1
I kinda forgot about it. I mean, I know it’s Monday but I’ve been a little preoccupied and wasn’t really paying attention. Sorry.

Reason #2
Super tired. I haven’t been sleeping well at all lately. In fact, I was dozing off on the couch taking my pre-bedtime nap (a.k.a. a nappatizer) when I realized I hadn’t done a blog this week. My bad.

Reason #3
The timing has changed. I used to be off work on Mondays but now I’m not, and I gotta tell you, this used to be a lot easier to do on the actual day. I’d start working on ideas in the afternoon, and then finish it all up at night and send it out. Well, I can’t do it that way anymore and I haven’t really developed a good rhythm for working on these yet with my new schedule.

Reason #4
Topics are not always easy to come by. Sure, sometimes I know exactly what I want to write about, often in advance. Other times I’m just flying by the seat of my pants, coming up with an idea late in the evening and working on it until it’s almost not even Monday anymore. Guess which one happened today?

Reason #5
Busy. I’m often running around town taking kids to different activities or completing whatever errands need to be done that I didn’t quite get to over the weekend. This leads to me having less time to work on the ol’ blog on Mondays, and now we’re back to #3 again, which leads to #4, and the cycle repeats like a really boring episode of The Twilight Zone.

Reason #6
I was detained on a matter of national security. Okay, that didn’t happen, but it sounds cool. If you’re gonna have an excuse, you might as well make it good, right? “Abducted by aliens” would be a good one too. Pretty sure I couldn’t get away with the old “my dog ate it” standby though.

Reason #7
We had Italian food for dinner. As I get older, tomato sauce and I don’t get along as well as we used to. ‘Nuff said.

Reason #8
There was a cat in my lap. It’s a universally understood law that a human is not allowed to stand, or even rearrange position, while a cat is in their lap. There was nothing I could do. I had no device upon which to type out a post so I had to just sit there until the kitty moved. Ask any cat owner, they will back me up on this.

Reason #9
Um, I can’t think of any more. Forget it. There’s only eight.

Reason #10
See #9.

And that, dear readers, is the list explaining why I didn’t get a MonDAVEs done for you this week.

Wait…

A History Lesson, MonDAVEs Style. Apologies In Advance.

I have a rule not to talk about politics here on the blog. That rule stands.

However, there’s no rule saying I can’t talk about history.

With that in mind I now present…

THE TOP TEN (DEAD) PRESIDENTS I THINK I COULD TAKE IN A FIGHT

10. William McKinley
McKinley was once shot in the torso by an anarchist. He survived, which admittedly is pretty badass, but he also forgave his would be assassin. While it is certainly noble, it also points to weakness. But get this, there’s more. When asked about the incident later on, McKinley referred to the shooter as misguided, and that “he didn’t know, poor fellow, what he was doing. He couldn’t have known.” Wow. A little bit full of ourselves, aren’t we, Will? And perhaps a little denial going on? Yeah. I could totally take this guy,

9. Chester Arthur
Chester was quite the civilized man, who lived a quite luxurious lifestyle. He was the first president to hire a personal valet, and had the White House decorated and furnished by none other than Louis Comfort Tiffany. While this may not seem like a big deal for modern presidents, it was very over the top for the time, not to mention snobbish and fancy-pants. Speaking of pants, he owned over 80 pair. Who needs 80 pairs of pants? You only need maybe seven. Fourteen, tops, if you don’t do the laundry that often. As David Letterman once said, “I can’t stand those fancy lads.” This is a win for the guy in Levi’s and a t-shirt. Which would be me, obvs.

8. James Monroe
Often remembered for ushering in the “Era of Good Feelings”. Sounds like hippie crap to me. I win this one easily.

7. James K. Polk
Debatably our most boring president. While in office his wife banned drinking, dancing, and card games. He went along with it. How lame can you get? That’s another W for me.

6. Grover Cleveland
Grover had several jobs before becoming president. He was a waiter for a while, but by all accounts wasn’t very good at it. Kept calling his customers “weirdos”. He was a pretty bad cowboy too. Many people don’t know about his failed attempt at being a super hero, either, but let’s just say it did not go well. While it’s admirable that a cute, furry, little blue monster can rise to the top seat in the country, I’m still pretty sure I could take him.

5. Millard Fillmore
Fillmore established the first permanent White House Library. He also personally helped fight a fire in 1851 that burned down part of the Library of Congress, and signed the bill to pay for replacing all the destroyed literature.
NERD!
I’m winning this one too.

4. Franklin Pierce
Pierce was a complete and total drunkard. After leaving office he reportedly told a friend “There is nothing left to do but get drunk.” Okay. Fine. Respect. Still, I can always take the drunk guy.

3. William Henry Harrison
Famous for having the shortest term as a president. He died thirty days after giving an inauguration speech that was far too long, in less than ideal weather. He wore neither a coat or hat. Poor planning, that, and clearly not too bright. Dude, I got this one. Chalk up another W.

2. John Tyler
Tyler was the least popular man to ever be president. Well, at the time, anyway. The “New York Times” actually claimed as much in 1862, in Tyler’s obituary. Harsh, but fair. You see, Tyler had recently been elected to the Congress of the Confederacy before he died. This, of course, made him a traitor to the United States of America. And we all hate traitors, right?

1. James Madison
At 5’4″ and only 100 lbs., Madison is, to date, our shortest President. That’s not a reason for victory in and of itself though. I am not particularly tall myself, and us short guys can be kinda scrappy and tough when we need to be. However, Madison was often described as “fragile”, and was frequently ill. Now, I’d never get into a scrap with a guy who was sick, but come on, the “fragile President”? Seems like a no-brainer.

Okay, there you have it!

This post, obviously, has been written in jest. I’m actually a pretty peaceful guy, and I’m not one to use violence except as a last resort, and even then only in defense. I just thought it was a goofy idea that would allow me to present some Presidential fun facts in a different, hopefully humorous way.

There were many ex presidents I specifically didn’t mention because of their great status and accomplishments. Actually, many of the presidents listed here did some pretty cool stuff too, look into them. I would also never dream of including any living presidents because, a.) that’s not funny, and b.) I’m not stupid. No threats, just laughs.

See you next week!

P.S.-Sorry for the Grover jokes, but Garfield was too easy. Even for me.

Well, That’s An Idea.

I keep notes by my bed.

Most writers do, I would imagine. It doesn’t really matter what it is that you write. Songs, stories, poems, blog entries, whatever the case may be, a writer will keep notes in some form or another. Usually there is a file, either on your phone, computer, or a real honest to goodness folder or notebook with actual paper in it. These files are not only handy, but inspiring, and also quite important to the craft.

Now, the notes that I am speaking of here are not notes about pieces already written, although those types of notes are necessary too. What I mean in this instance when I say “notes” are actually “ideas”. I have an idea file on my phone, and a notebook by the bedside in case I think of a good one just before drifting off to sleep or, more often, wake up in the middle of the night with an absolutely amazing idea. Then I go back and read what I wrote later on. Sometimes these ideas are good, sometimes they are not so good, and sometimes they are completely baffling.

Flipping through the notebook this morning I came upon one of those baffling entries. This one is several months old and I don’t even remember writing it down. I must have thought it was the funniest thing in the world at the time, or possibly fodder for one of my “I really will publish one of these someday” short stories. Either way, the entry was right there staring me in the face, and I had to deal with it. Are you ready for this? Two words.

Towel vampire.

That’s it. That’s the entry. Towel Vampire.

Not “Vampire Towel”, that would almost make sense. Clearly a towel has been turned into a vampire through some ancient ritual gone wrong and is wreaking havoc at the local gymnasium. That I can work with. But no, I wrote down “towel vampire”.

What the hell is a towel vampire?

Is it a vampire who only sucks towels? Why? What kind of freak just sucks towels all day? Gross. That’s even grosser than a regular vampire with the blood and all. Eww.

Perhaps it’s some sort of an invention? Like, maybe it’s a thing that sucks the moisture out of a soaked towel in an emergency, so you can immediately use it again. Actually, that’s not bad. Somebody who knows something about engineering and building stuff get on that. And cut me in on the profits, will ya? Thanks.

Anyway, that’s all I can come up with. It’s just such a weird a thing to come across. Just those two words on an otherwise blank page. No explanation, no drawing, no note saying see next page, nothing. Just “towel vampire”.

I don’t know, man. It gets weird around here.

Well. Okay. There we are. Towel vampire is now out of my head and into yours. I’m very sorry. Or you’re welcome, depending on how this lands. I’ve drawn back the curtain a bit and given you a sneak peek behind the scenes on where topics for MonDAVEs come from. I’ll go get those curtains ironed and pressed, and hang ’em back up, draw them good and tight, and I’ll see you next week.

Thanks, Y’all!

So I probably should have done this quite some time ago, like maybe around post #100, but I’ve never been much of one for convention, so here we are.

I just wanted to take a minute and thank everyone who reads this blog on a regular or semi-regular basis.

I started this blog for two reasons. One was as a writing exercise to make myself produce something once a week. The other was to bring a little bit of light hearted-ness to anyone who reads. While I have gotten serious a few times here, I hope that mostly I have managed to entertain and put a smile on the face of my readers. We all need a smile from time to time, and Monday seems like a good day for it. Even if you don’t read it until later.

Anyway, it means a lot to me that there are people out there willing to read my words. The numbers change a little week to week, but there are some of you who are here each and every time. It is much appreciated.

As a creative type, I have more ideas than I can ever really find time to get to. Some will come out in one format or another, some will fade into the ether, and many will wind up in a partially realised state that will likely not see the light of day. Hopefully, when some of these projects do come to fruition, at least some of you will come along for the ride. I would love it if you did.

Still, you’re here now, and you join me here often. It is not lost on me that you actively choose to take a few minutes out of your day to check in and see what I have to say. That’s pretty dang cool of you. Know that I don’t take it for granted.

Okay. That’s it. Thanks for dropping in. Keep on coming by, and I’ll keep on doing whatever it is I do here. See you next week.

A Scent-imental Blog Post. That’s The Biggest Hack Joke I Have Ever Used. Sorry. I’m Usually Better Than That.

Long time readers may remember a post I made last year titled “The Rejects”, in which I discussed some topics I had thought about writing on but rejected for various reasons. There was one, however, that I did mention I might still do. Well, today is the day, you lucky duckies. Because I’m not afraid to repeat ideas, I had a really weird week and need a little levity, and one guy said he’d actually like to read this when I first mentioned it, I herby present the long awaited, already oversold entry:

Here’s A Bunch Of Smells I Like

-Bread baking in the oven.
Because bread is like, one of the most delicious things ever.

-New car smell.
Smells like success, new beginnings, and freedom. Until the first payment. Then it just smells like debt.

-Burning wood.
Smells like a campfire in the Summer, and a cozy homecoming in Winter.

-Sharpies.
If big, block letters had a smell, this would be it.

-Books.
-New books have that fresh print smell. Old weathered books have the smell of the ages. Unless they are water damaged. Then eww.

-Christmas Trees.
Pines or furs, it’s the most wonderful smell of the year, y’all.

-Leather.
Warm and rich, it smells like history. Not only the history that has been made by those who blazed a trail before us, but also the history that is yet to be made. That sounded cooler in my head. Moving on.

-Oranges And Lemons.
The smell of clean. Also a great album by classic British pop band XTC. Go stream it. After you finish reading this obviously.

-Mountain Air.
Maybe not so much a smell as a feeling, but there’s nothing like it.

-Bacon.
I mean, come on. It’s bacon frying, what’s not to love? Double points for Maple Bacon.

-Barbeque.
Meat. Spices. Wood and/or charcoal. Sensory overload. Half the magic of a cookout is smelling the air before you dig in. Magic.

-Rain.
Rain almost always smells good, but I particularly like a late Summer rain cooling off the day right around dusk. The soil and Summer foliage smells amazing.

-Gasoline.
I know, I’m weird. Still, it reminds me of childhood. I think that the smell of gas was much more prominent at the pumps back then but I have absolutely no proof of that. I wouldn’t suggest sniffing too much of the stuff (ever accidentally get some on you and you stink all day? Not cool!), but a quick smell while filling the tank I find quite pleasurable.

-Popcorn.
Pretty much the greatest all purpose snack food.

-Vanilla.
Some say it’s a boring scent but I disagree. It’s sweet, yet subtle. Rich, yet soothing. It smells clean, and I find it to be a calming scent as well.

-Patchouli.
Kind of a dark scent, sweet yet musky. It’s also super strong, which is why stoners sometimes use it to try and hide the pot smell. FYI-doesn’t work guys. Still dig the scent though.

-Aged Bourbon.
I don’t drink the stuff anymore, but the scent of alcohol mixed with years of being in wood barrels is still delightful to me.

-Frying Chicken.
I mean, like, home made fried chicken. Not the fast food version. Flower, spices, chicken and Crisco-smells like Grandma’s house on a Sunday afternoon.

-Honeysuckle.
A strong, sweet smell found in many a walk through parks and gardens. I even like the “honeysuckle scent” we use in our laundry detergent. Smells like Spring.

-Blacktop.
Yeah, another weird one. I dunno, man, I just like it. It seemed like this scent was everywhere when I was a kid, so that’s probably the reason, but it’s a favorite smell, especially in Summer.

Well, there’s my top twenty favorite smells. This was kind of a fun writing exercise. Using my memory to try and conjure up various scents and then describe them through words was a bit more of a challenge than I anticipated, but an interesting process. Try it, fellow writers, and see what you think.

See you next week for more MonDAVEs!